Relocating Notre Dame
Published: Thursday, February 16, 2012
Updated: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 11:09
It is kind of a thing here at the University this time of year to say you have seasonal affective disorder, commonly known as SAD.
In fact, I'd venture to say that you wouldn't truly be a Notre Dame student if you didn't wear a North Face, like squirrels and have SAD.
But I don't have SAD because of the winter weather; rather, the winter weather just makes me plain sad. Some people whine and complain about the weather for the sake of doing it. I truly hate the cold.
I always say the day of graduation I am going to have a diploma in one hand and a plane ticket to somewhere warm in another. However, I would like to save the future generations of Notre Dame students the pain and suffering of the winter lake effect. Therefore, I have taken the time out of my busy schedule to find potential sites for the University to relocate to.
Why not pull a Lebron James and take our talents to South Beach? Miami is warm, it has beaches and it has nightlife. What is not to like? We could even replace the campus squirrels with campus dolphins. It is a win-win. In fact, I like this idea so much, I'm going to throw an extra win in for good measure — it's a win-win-win. We even get to encroach on the convicts' home turf.
San Francisco, California:
Admittedly, this is not the warmest choice or even the city with the best possible weather. However, not only is San Francisco a beautiful city, but it would provide the perfect liberal juxtaposition for our ultra-conservative Catholic university. San Francisco has hippies, druggies and gays and lesbians, and we have priests, nuns and parietals. Instead of ResLife, we'd have Alcatraz. It's a match made in heaven!
Plus, instead of Jimmie Johns, we get In-N-Out. Someone call the moving vans. Now.
Moving the University here would be the only possible way to get people like me from complaining constantly about South Bend's weather. Yakutsk is officially the coldest cityin the world, with an average yearly high of 25 degrees Fahrenheit. The average January high is a balmy 33 degrees.
All I can say is that makes Notre Dame seem tropic in comparison. Maybe if Fr. Jenkins threatened to move the University here, the whole SAD craze would go away.
Well, it's your move, Fr. J. Hopefully the dolphins or the promise of Alcatraz will help you make the right decision.