On April 11, 2025, the University of Notre Dame put the “drunk” back in Irish when they released the following statement: “The sale of alcoholic beverages at Notre Dame football, hockey and basketball games will expand to include both premium and general admission seating beginning with the 2025 football season.”
It didn’t take long for the Notre Dame community to react.
“THE AGE OF SOBRIETY IS OVER. THE TIME OF THE ALCOHOLIC HAS COME,” an enthused RA from Knott Hall said.
“We needed something to turn the page, something to make this school unparalleled in terms of grandiosity,” a spokesperson for the administration said. “It’s safe to say that we knocked this one out of the park.”
“We also didn’t make enough money from the bowl games last year, so we had to expand our stadium operations somehow,” he said snidely.
In their announcement, University administrators also wrote that they are “committed to promoting responsible consumption and ensuring a safe … ” Yeah, yeah, whatever: beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer.
Eager to conduct some investigative journalism concerning this groundbreaking event, I turned to the people whom this decision is going to affect the most: the parents.
“We. Are. Terrified,” said a concerned mom. I’m sure you are!
Nonetheless, the University has received an overwhelmingly positive response to this decision, leading to record-high approval ratings.
“Thanks to this new implementation, everyone in the Notre Dame community has finally started to like us,” said another official. “Students are eager to try out their fake IDs, older fans are ready to take the edge off, and even donors are now less irritated when we send them several emails, faxes, letters and phone calls every week asking them for money!”
With such promising remarks from the University, I then decided to get the perspective of the student body. The responses were overwhelming.
“What I love about beer is that you order it and then drink it. And then you order another one. And then another one. And then you order and drink another,” said a sophomore philosophy student.
“This is a much needed addition. In prior years, I would get so desperate for beer that I would sneak onto the field and eat the black rubber pellets layered beneath the turf.”
“It’s good to know that I will be able to pay tribute to the sailors on the Edmund Fitzgerald within the confines of Notre Dame Stadium.” The student sighed. “Every night I drink 29 beers to remember the 29 lost at sea that fateful night.”
“I LOVE BEER, AND THANKS TO NOTRE DAME, BEER LOVES ME.”
“Cops used to tell me to save the results of my drunkenness for the parking lot trash cans,” said a junior. “Now, I can save it for the stadium bleachers in front of me!”
“ASK NOT WHAT YOUR BEER CAN DO FOR YOU. ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR BEER.”
“I remember about 50% of the football games I go to,” said a fifth-year student. “Thankfully, that number will drop drastically.”
“DRAFT BEER, NOT MEN!” commented a Notre Dame alumnus who participated in the anti-Vietnam War protests on campus nearly 50 years ago.
“Thanks to Notre Dame, I will continue to kill my brain with beer with the University’s consent and support!” said an overjoyed junior studying neuroscience and psychology.
“What I love about this decision is that it allows me to drink even more irresponsibly before the game, black out in the first quarter, wake up in the fourth when we’re up by 30 and then get right back to work!”
“There is going to be so much beer in my digestive tract on football Saturdays that you might as well call me the brewery, my friend,” said an eager freshman.
Some weren’t as enthusiastic about Notre Dame’s decision, arguing that more steps should have been taken to improve the overall fan and stadium experience. “Miller Lite and Guinness are our options?” one student complained. “What about Everclear or vodka, huh?”
Pessimists have suggested that we only sell liquor for games where we play teams from the Mid-American Conference. “It would have been good for people to self-medicate during and after the Marshall & NIU games,” said avid Notre Dame football fan Bernie Weavelstein.
Security personnel have not embraced the new change in the football stadium with as much enthusiasm as the administration or the student body. I spoke to a stadium security guard to get his take.
“We’re going to need to expand the drunk tank, where seriously intoxicated students are deposited during the game,” a Notre Dame security officer said.
“Why? Is the drunk tank small?” I inquired.
“No, sir. It’s plenty big. It just ain’t big enough.”
Local law enforcement chimed in: “We anticipate the number of alcohol-related car accidents to jump significantly," noted South Bend police officer Judy Hopps.
The Notre Dame fanbase had its first chance to make the Dowd administration deeply regret the decision to permit alcohol sales this Saturday in their home opener against Texas A&M. I continue to pray that Notre Dame Stadium will start selling whole milk as well.
