With President Bush proclaiming a week in October as "Defense of Marriage Week," liberals have secretly solicited the notorious Bouvier sisters, Selma and Patty, as spokespersons. Some consider Selma and Patty to be Hollywood elitists epitomizing everything that is wrong with this nation and our society. They consider it diabolical how the two hide behind their weekly television comedy, "The Simpsons," which places its characters in a church setting more than any program on television. Others think that Selma and Patty's 14-year stature as Emmy winners and celebrity icons mask an agenda as morally bankrupt as that of Rush Limbaugh and Bill Bennett.
Each actor manipulates her television persona as though it was her actual life. Selma and Patty hope that casual cigarette usage and two divorces make them identifiable with millions of decent, moral Americans who also have a vice or two. They use their television public service careers at the motor vehicles office to falsely connect with viewers who place patriotism above any insignificant civil liberty. These elitist performers are banking on their abilities to lull the public into such complacency that it sets the stage for them to spring their liberal agendas.
Right-wingers see Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson as beacons of conservative light in the mucky sea of liberalism. They must now prepare to counter an orchestrated charade that is part of a scheme concocted by Hollywood for liberal politicians. The West Coast elitist goal is for the Democrats to hijack the institution of marriage in favor of special rights contrary to every value held holy by fundamentalist Christians.
Selma and Patty hope that unsuspecting Americans will view them as sisters when in actuality, they are lovers. Their campaign has nothing to do with marriage, civil unions or being gay. Selma and Patty's backers are pressuring the Democratic Party and its nine presidential candidates to support legal rights regarding health coverage, personal property and child or elderly care based on the sisters' dwelling status, not personal preferences. Supporters believe that by masquerading as sisters, the two can prevent conservatives from changing the issue to one of gay marriage.
Selma and Patty rhyme their goal, "Those who together reside need not have a bride." They propose a legal benchmark that, if applicable to sisters who live together, would solve any dwelling scenario of more than one person without bringing emotion or sex into the conversation. It would guarantee the portability or sharing of legal protections for health coverage, property ownership, guardianship of children or the elderly and estate survivorship. The proposal would allow any number of persons living in the same dwelling to enter into a legal residential contract.
Patty says that if a mother and daughter or two sisters live together, either should be able to provide health insurance for the other. Patty believes that the United States should be a leader in healthcare coverage flexibility. In her stump speech Patty tells audiences that "Americans can be contradictory by expressing both bold and progressive ideas while at the same time remaining closed-minded and blinded by scare tactics."
She goes on to say that if we would stop fighting each other over non-issues created by interest groups, we could solve our differences by including everyone rather than excluding some. Patty sees Americans as happier, more cooperative and tolerant neighbors to each other and the world.
Selma, having been married and divorced twice on her television series, considers herself an expert on marriage. She contends that the current rights of those who live as common law husbands and wives should be the starting point for the partnership plan. Selma contends that institutional religion has nothing to do with marriages performed by captains of ships, justices of the peace or mayors. She counters critics by saying that it is ridiculous for some religious leaders to assert that partnerships violate the sanctity of marriage.
As Selma explains the plan, legal survivorship begins with a person's dwelling arrangement. If that person did not have a will or were to lie comatose, priority would be assigned to those with whom the person chose to reside. Whether a person resides with a mother or sister, with a husband or a girlfriend or a complete stranger of either sex, that person could share health insurance portability and other legal rights. That person's life would be legally equal to married couples or common law couples without diminishing traditional institutions.
Conservatives should beware of the "Selma and Patty Benchmark." These two professed "sisters" could standardize and simplify dwelling rights to the extent that Americans could choose any number of combinations of living arrangements resulting in a better quality of life. The American public would be a big winner leaving the fundraising efforts of the Falwells and Robertsons of this nation as big losers.
Now that's what anyone would call a far-left conspiracy.
Gary Caruso served as a public and legislative affairs director in President Clinton's administration. His column normally appears every other Friday. He can be contacted at hottline@aol.com.The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
