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Thursday, Feb. 29, 2024
The Observer

I love lazy people

You - yes, you - the guy in the back of DeBartolo 101 reading this column out of sheer boredom - you are my hero. You're the kind of person who can spend hours setting up a stereo system instead of typing a two-page paper. You're the kind of person who lurks around LaFortune at one in the morning, looking to distract people you know from their work. You, my friend, are lazy - and I love it.You're probably not an engineer or math major (although there's nothing wrong with either of them - they just tend to be very focused people, and you obviously are not). You probably find ways to get around studying for tests in advance and would sell your soul to avoid a lab - really, they're just so much work. You invested in a portable phone so you didn't have to get up to answer the corded one. You probably even made sure it had call waiting, so you wouldn't have to go through the effort of answering the phone for someone you didn't feel was too important. You check your Notre Dame e-mail account on the hour, even though you never get anything except CSC listserves and the occasional note from your professor about how to use those crazy H: and I: drives. You usually disregard those messages (deleting them is too much work) because you still haven't figured out what those are. And you're a senior.You have no problem choosing sleep over a shower any day of the week. You've stocked up on enough underwear to last an entire semester. When you run out of socks, you just wear your beat-up Notre Dame flipflops - in February. When you run out of jeans - actually, it's impossible for you to run out of jeans. Who's going to know if you only have to wash them once a semester? Oh yes... it's you.You never went to SYR's because finding a date, an outfit and a pre-party was just too much to ask. You keep all your subjects in one notebook and just leave it in your backpack, because it's too confusing to have multiples. Your backpack is the same monogrammed L.L. Bean you had in sixth grade. Getting one without massive holes? Oh no - that's too much work. And you, my friend, are officially lazy.You go idle online instead of putting up an away message - or worse, you use the default "I am away from my computer right now." You can while away the hours on the laptop of your keyboard at the library or CoMo - God forbid that you'd actually go there and do work when there's free popcorn to be had. Soda for a quarter? I'd stay all night long.You've reached the end! What an accomplishment - maybe I'll have to rethink your supposedly high levels of idleness. But no - you, my friend, have mastered the art of laziness. It is not for everyone. It is not for the faint of heart. It is merely for the languid. And you have done nothing but be lazy - which, to you, is a compliment in itself.