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Saturday, Feb. 24, 2024
The Observer

Vaginas present at ND since 1972

Editor's Note: This article is a part of The Observer's April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.

An Absurder investigative report that vaginas have been enrolled in the University since 1972 drew outrage from already-riled opponents of "The Vagina Monologues" this weekend.

Chief among critics was Bishop Tom Farcy, who argued that females - and all parts associated with them - should be kept private.

"As spiritual guardian of this community, I must denounce the presence of the v***** at a supposedly Catholic university," Farcy said in a prepared statement Friday. "The recent findings that the University of Our Lady has welcomed v*****s since autumn of 1972 is appalling. If God wanted us to honor and respect all parts of a woman, he wouldn't have made female sexuality embarrassing and offensive."

University President Father Jim Spankins said he is not yet ready to draw conclusions about reported presence of vaginas on campus. He said, however, that he plans to initiate campus-wide discussion about the spiritual and academic significance of the vaginas.

"We must join together in thought and prayer to determine the place of vaginas at an institution that is both Catholic and a university," he said.

Spankins said it is far too early to predict his eventual edict, but he suspects it will incorporate the essential parts of each opposing view.

"While the presence of the vagina would seem an egregious violation of Church teaching, it might be acceptable in a strictly academic setting," Spankins said. "Or maybe not."

Vaginas were initially brought to the University during the tenure of University President Emeritus Father Fred Messburg, an outspoken proponent of vagina equality.

"I had started to notice that the longer I was at Notre Dame, the more brutish the men were becoming," Messburg said. "Without women, men degenerate into something less than human. That's why God put vaginas here, because he didn't want the world to be a zoo."

Meanwhile, the entire Notre Dame female population responded by running through LaFortune wearing only crotchless panties.

"We thought the administration realized accepting vaginas was part of becoming a co-ed institution," one student said.