It's Halloween, and I don't have a costume yet. I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for a very important date - with myself at Feverween tonight. What on earth am I going to dress up as this year?
Elmo? Been there, done that.
My friend and roommate, the wannabe frat star, captain of our very own club sailing team and all around easily stereotypeable person? Probably my most creative (and only) use of a backwards hat and a sleeveless t-shirt in my life, but been there, done that.
Sexy softball player? That's not a costume, that's just me getting out of bed in the morning. Besides - been there, done that.
With little time and fewer resources, I'm forced to get real clever, real fast. And when that inevitably fails me, it's time to turn to the easiest possible source for Halloween costume ideas - Notre Dame.
So, if you're reading this in the dining hall right now wondering why they never have wing night anymore and you're like me and you're scrambling to come up with a costume idea for tonight's social gatherings, try some of these Notre Dame inspired get ups.
Notre Dame Squirrel
Take a broom from the utility closet at the end of the hall in your dorm, break off the broom head and tape it to your backside so it looks like you have a bushy tail. Then timidly approach everyone you see all day with your hands out looking for food.
The more uninterested they are in helping you, the more vigorous your requests for food should be. Don't be afraid to nibble at their hands a little bit when they're not paying attention to let them know you're there, they'll appreciate it.
Student Government Representative
Just start sending emails. Nonstop. All day. It doesn't even matter what you write in them - don't worry, nobody's actually reading them. Make sure the subject lines are as off-puttingly enthusiastic and yet totally uninspiring as possible.
Just keep emailing. Don't give up until every single person you email responds asking to be left off whatever list you're using. For guys, wear a sweater and brown dress shoes. For girls, wear a sweater and brown dress shoes.
DeBartolo Bathroom Stall
This is a tough one to pull off, but you can bet your life that it'll ring true with every Notre Dame student you come within 30 feet of. First, don't shower for like two weeks. Then go skinny-dip in the nearest sewer you can find. Then take a 20-minute nap in a DeBartolo bathroom stall. Or skip the first two and just take the nap, it'll work just fine.
Grab and Go
Ask a friend what he or she is doing for a costume, and then do the same thing but in a much sadder, crappier and all around less satisfying manner.
Dress up however you would dress up if you were going to a Notre Dame men or women's basketball game. Because we don't go to basketball games. Go to more basketball games.
The London Study Abroad Program
Fundamentally change the lives of every single person you encounter; make sure you show up at every job interview and/or small talk conversation they ever have or you didn't do your job right. Cheers.
Whatever lame costume you end up using, make up a much more inspiring and heartwarming story about it next week and hope your friends don't call you out on it.
Spend the day giving valuable and much appreciated information and insight to Notre Dame students until an alumnus files a lawsuit against you and/or puts a bounty on your head.
The perfect costume for anyone with a test on Friday; just lock yourself in your room and don't talk with, interact with or let anyone see you all day.
No matter what story you try to tell, your friends and family will just pretend to listen and then tomorrow when you ask they'll halfheartedly tell you that yeah, definitely, they liked that one thing you did.
Contact Kevin Noonan at email@example.com
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.