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Thursday, Feb. 29, 2024
The Observer

An Open Letter to The Associated Press

This is a satire. Relax.

Listen up America. Brace yourselves. The knowledge bombs are coming. They’ll rain down on the soft, fluffy snowbanks of the mainstream media, #disrupting the liberal status quo and #leveraging a new era of truth in the journalistic swamp. The Associated Press — a sadistic institution bent on wiping American Exceptionalism, Jesus, and perfectly good commas from the American discourse — has finally met its maker.

My intellectual spirit animal, Rachel Alexander, brought the AP conspiracy to my attention in mid-July when she DESTROYED!!! mainstream “journalism” with her scathing admonishments of news organization’s woefully biased AP Stylebook.

In her pieces, Alexander illustrates how the AP spinsters fudge the truth where it matters most. “Semi-automatic rifles that have additional add-on parts for shooting accuracy are to be called assault weapons,” she writes (this is supposedly a statement of an AP rule, but we can’t be sure since she never specifically identifies AP as a key contextual player in the sentence or the paragraph), “despite the fact the term has referred to fully automatic weapons used by the military for years.” To mislead the American public further, the AP suggests labeling all fully automatic weapons (like the AK-47) with the preposterous phrase assault rifles.

If the AP’s egregious rejection of facts (as stated above) seems petty, confusing or meaningless to you, then I suggest you move to Canada. Since we American’s have the right to purchase and own our absurdly powerful and totally necessary military-style firearms, then the snowflake media has a moral obligation to refer to those guns correctly.

Alexander also SKEWERS!!!! the AP’s rules regarding climate change. After noting that the AP’s opposition to dismissive words describing climate change deniers and skeptics — words like “skeptics or deniers” — the organizations accepted replacement — “those who reject mainstream climate science” implies that climate change theory (and all the FAKE! professional research backing it up) is, in fact, true.

I find such biases to be an affront to the Liberty University science lectures I spend so much time watching online. How dare these media moguls suggest that I, an upstanding Christian and American citizen, could possibly screw up the world that Our Lord created. If anything, climate change is a temporary result of the recent influx of liberal hot air. HAHAHAHA!

The AP’s most pressing crimes, however, rise out of the grammatical realm. As of 2014, the organizations official stylistic principles command that “‘personal pronouns referring to him [our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ] are lowercase, including savior.’” How can the good Christian people of the USA stand for this non-sense? Can we stand by as these socialist elites take everything we hold dear, wrap it in lies, and drop kick out of a window? We shan’t and we won’t.

We must also address the Stylebook's avarice in forbidding crucial grammatical elements like italics and boldface and discouraging the use of all caps. Everybody knows that words have ABSOLUTELY noemphatic capabilities on their own. Consider the following proverb:

“After reading the false reporting and even ferocious anger in some dying magazine it makes me wonder, WHY? All I want to do is #MAGA!” - @realDonaldTrump (8/30/17)

Without its capitalized sections and mind-bending (some would say avant-garde) syntax, it runs the risk of being utterly meaningless. It may even lead some to treasonously accuse our noble leader of mental instability —  OH MY! And it goes without saying how other snobbish AP guidelines — particularly those that require clear attribution of facts to a reliable source — further silence the voice of REAL America.

But nothing compares to AP’s final nail in the free speech coffin — it’s disgusting rejection of the beloved Oxford Comma — the controversial piece of punctuation that delusional millennial socialist band Vampire Weekend reportedly does not give a F--- about.

Without the Oxford comma, the following (totally hypothetical) news alert could potentially exist:

“Breaking: President Trump speaks on his most trusted advisors, Steve Bannon and Putin.”

While we, the reasonable contingent of the American public, would understand that this statement identifies three separate parties — President Trump’s most trusted advisors, Steve Bannon, and Putin — our brainwashed counterparts will certainly interpret the information to fit their own malicious intentions.

Save the Oxford Comma. Save the City on a Hill. Save Capitalism. Save the Right.

Sincerely yours,

The Conservative (definitely not Alt-Right) Media

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.