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Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2024
The Observer

The Bible is a movie — who’s playing who?

Imagine that whatever studio decides to undertake making the Bible into a full motion picture has an unlimited budget. We can select any actor by throwing as much money at them and invoking their less than Biblical virtue of greed. You’ll notice this cast is male heavy, but don’t blame me, blame years of misogyny. Here are my picks:

Adam played by Ryan Gosling To be honest with you, I don’t see how Gosling plays the first human better than anyone else, but I very much want to imagine that I, of all people, could be descended from Ryan Gosling. No one else having that bone structure? That’s an original sin.

Eve played by Blake Lively Similar to the above, I also want to be descended from her, and tell me their children would not be stunning. We are all children of Lively and Gosling here.

Noah played by Eddie Murphy Dr. Dolittle is the perfect man to play this role, and I also like to think he brings the zany side out of Noah. Bonus here is that Sarah Jessica Parker could play one of the horses, Jack Black could play a Pug and Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters could play a walrus.

Abraham played by Brad Pitt Abraham had a lot of people descend from him, and now, so does Brad Pitt.

Moses played Mark Wahlberg Moses killed a guy when he was younger and I'm almost positive Mark has too. Do you trust Mark Wahlberg with directions? I wouldn’t and that’s why I totally see him getting lost in the desert for 40 years.

David played by Jamie Foxx David was a musician, a leader and generally just a pretty hardcore dude. He brings that swagger to Israel, and I could totally see him lusting for a woman but also feeling bad about it. I understand that David vs. Goliath doesn't seem as crazy anymore with young Jamie Foxx slinging some heat, but everything else seems to work well.

Samson played by Arnold Schwarzenegger This really makes too much sense that I almost didn't include it. Arnold with long hair won Mr. Universe and strongest man competitions. Without long hair he made movies like “Kindergarten Cop.” Also, do you see that body?

Elijah played by Shia LaBeouf Elijah was for sure on the crazier side of things. He ruthlessly made fun of Baal priests, fasted in the desert and ran away from a woman who was trying to kill him. These events have all most likely happened to Shia LeBouf. He would have intimate knowledge on how to act crazy since he himself is crazy.

Job played by Michael Cera This “Superbad” and “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” actor has a lot of hate thrown away. He’s the guy in your friend group everyone loves to make fun of unnecessarily. This fits perfectly in for Job, who God was a jerk to for no real reason yet we still respect Him for it. That’s the kind of good old fashioned bullying Michael Cera can take and express.

Mary played Meryl Streep I know what you may be thinking, “But Mary was only 14 when she had Jesus!” Well, you are also forgetting that Mary would be like 47 when Jesus died. Also, do you not trust Meryl Streep to nail any role she’s thrown in, whether it’s a 14-year-old or not? All I’m saying is that I don’t know how Mary should be played so I’m leaving it up to this expert.

Peter played by Dwayne Johnson Who better to play the rock of the Church than The Rock? I know it might be a stretch, but you have to think that if The Rock was evangelizing, people would be intimidated to listen while also converting with his beautiful smile. This is going to be a box office hit and a recruitment film apparently.

Lazarus played by Matthew McConaughey Talk about a comeback. There aren’t many details about Lazarus, but if there is anyone in Hollywood who knows how to revive a career from the dead it’s this actor who went from “Failure to Launch” to “Interstellar.”

Jesus played by Christian Bale He’s the hero we need, not the one we deserve. He sacrifices for his people and has an influential father. Does this describe Christ or does it describe Batman? I know Christian Bale nailed one role, I don’t see why he can’t do it again. This time, though, when Jesus starts flipping tables in the Temple, things will get a lot grittier.

This movie has a star-studded cast but I’m worried it will be too cliche (spoiler: Jesus comes back!). I’ve left out a good amount of characters, possibly because there would be too much ego in one set or because this article is about at the length I’m allowed to write. Either way, I hope you enjoyed it, and send me suggestions on what characters should be played by who.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.