The case for loose tobacco

The world, I’m sorry to say, is out to get you. You can run, hide, lose yourself in the dulcet tones of “Levels” by Avicii (remember?), but the world will sneak behind you and bro-punch you in the back (like Chad from your ACCT 20200). Scientists (ugh!) and health professionals (double ugh!) offer all kinds of advice pertaining to stress relief. They tell us to do things like cardiovascular exercise and sleep and back up their points with various studies. But, as you well know, studies are not to be trusted. Edward O. Wilson, referencing his studies, pushes his ridiculous stories about climate change, claiming, “We’re in the perfect moment in time [to be activists], where there is clearly an assault on the environment.” Utter nonsense — a bro-punch to the back.

So, when life leaves you whimpering and alone, thirstily sipping at the last drops of your dignity’s soon-to-be-dry wellspring, where do you turn. Science? Health?

Hogwash.

The solution to all your problems, the antidote to all your stress, the harbinger of your newfound personality lies in one simple word: tobacco.

Let me specify. Do not go to the nearest gas station and purchase five packs of Marlboro Reds per my suggestion. Big tobacco is in cahoots with the government to control the media and turn everybody into robot minions.

Vaping? No.

When I say tobacco, I mean freshly-squeezed, locally-sourced, loose tobacco: the kind you pack in a snazzy Sherlock Holmes pipe and smoke with friends at a table at least 25 feet away from the nearest building.

Based on first-hand observational research, here are loose tobacco’s (alleged) benefits:

1. Loose tobacco is a leaf. Leaves are in salad. Salad is good for you.
2. Paul Westerberg sang, “Jesus rides beside me / He never buys any smokes,” insinuating that Jesus was against big tobacco and, therefore, in favor of loose tobacco.
3. Renowned writers — Faulkner, Hemingway, Lewis, Suess, Hefner — all smoke pipes. Loose tobacco makes words good.
4. Those who smoke loose tobacco are 36 percent more likely to find true love (depending on your definition of love).
5. Fumbling around with loose tobacco is #relatable like “The Office” memes and Nick from “New Girl.”
6. Lungs are muscles, too. What doesn’t kill them makes them stronger.
7. Loose tobacco increased alleged enjoyment of Avicii’s “Levels” by a factor of three.