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Tuesday, April 16, 2024
The Observer

Six places to sleep on campus that aren’t in your own bed!

1. The Hotel Hesburgh

At The Hotel Hesburgh, we believe that your staycation is an opportunity to create memories that will last a lifetime. Through our legendary service, thoughtful amenities and commitment to craft, we inspire life’s most meaningful moments, each and every day. Reserve a new home with us today.

Hesburgh's world-class team of innovators are committed to improving the experience of its guests by consistently undertaking ambitious renovation projects. One can find a comfortable night’s rest at any of the 14 stories. If you are a true high-roller, enjoy a night at the penthouse suite on the 13th floor. The Hotel Hesburgh’s proximity to academic buildings and excellent dining options make it an attractive option for students. Take a short 8-minute car ride to the Stadium Lot. Self-valet park. Stroll 6 minutes to DeBartolo Hall. How convenient! 

I recommend brunch at the highly popular restaurant Au Bon Pain, whose authentic French cuisine will take you right up to the Eiffel Tower. Your meal would not be complete without a hot cup of coffee for the low price of only your life savings, in fake money of course. Another option if you are craving American “cuisine” is the dining hall of the North Quad. This is undoubtedly my favorite because of the variety and quality; I have been an outspoken advocate since the beginning! 

2. The couch in your residence hall’s 24-hour space

This is the go-to: tried and true, convenient and air-conditioned. If you are exiled from your room because it is occupied after 12 p.m., seek refuge on your crusty couch of your choice, which has not been washed or refurbished since 1842. What could be more relaxing than sleeping in a room with air conditioning? I am so thankful that the University of Notre Dame utilized its $1.6 billion endowment to equip every residence hall with air conditioning instead of using it for an exorbitant and unnecessary painting project. Wait a minute. 

3. Room 101 in DeBartolo Hall

The biggest challenge surrounding sleeping in DeBartolo Hall is the super-RA who shuts the whole operation down at 10 p.m.. The easy but expensive way to circumvent security is to bribe him with $20 and he will look the other way. The alternative is to hide until he leaves for the day. I suggest lying prone for a few hours in a central location in Row F where the security camera cannot see you. Then, you can resume your sleep in a seat, the design of which is catered to left-handed adolescents with freakishly good posture. 

4. The Grotto

Spend your time in contemplative prayer for an all-night vigil at the Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes. You will have to endure the elements, but you can use the candle fire for warmth. The biggest downside of this venue is that you will have to fall asleep kneeling while pretending to be engaged in deep prayer for 8 hours. Not a task for the faint of heart.

5. The closet of your significant other’s room

In the interest of “foster[ing] the personal and social development of students and at the same time respond to the safety, security, and privacy needs of those sharing common living space,” you should avoid being caught sleeping by hall staff. Otherwise, the fate of your future will be at the whims of the Office of Community Standards (OCS), a bureaucratic entity whose charge is to surveil and crack down on negligent sleeping habits. Of all the 3 letter agencies, this one might be the most controversial. Therefore, to bypass all this headache, sleep standing up and hide in your significant other’s closet. 

6. Under the Dome

Sleeping under the Dome is the true embodiment of home under the Dome. Nothing more needs to be said. 

There are plenty of other unmentioned places that are attractive options to spend the night. I am a proponent of comfortable sleeping, which is often not possible in your residence hall. For one, the claustrophobic confines existing in many of the older halls have been the cause of frustration for unsuspecting first-years. The rooms at Notre Dame are generally glorified closets with a sink and mirror. Additionally, there is no air conditioning in 56% of the residence halls. Think about that statistic. Remember the $1.6 billion value of Notre Dame’s endowment. Recall the previous weather that merited a heat advisory. Right. 

I am also an opponent of the ridiculous notion that poor living conditions somehow build community. Yes, I am quite compelled to make merry with my fellow residents while I sweat bullets from just standing. Yes, why would I drink lead-infused water alone when we can drink lead-infused water together? Yes, I feel the famed overwhelming sense of belonging!

I challenge that this opinion is a poorly supported justification with feigned conviction on the part of students who are just happy to be here.

Furthermore, the University offers bread and circuses to distract us from the issues concerning quality of life. When the University tells us it is hot outside (as if we could not tell ourselves), it offers us a hydration station and free water bottles at the dining hall. It sends out an email to educate us on how to cool down by spending time in air-conditioned spaces which do not include your own room. The collection of these suggestions is honestly insulting, but it is nothing more than another one of the University’s misplaced priorities. 

If I can succinctly describe the University’s masterplan to fix the poor living conditions in many residence halls, I would say: Zahm Hall. Regilded Dome. Football season. 

Jonah Tran is a first-year at Notre Dame double majoring in Finance and Classics with a minor in Constitutional Studies. He prides himself on sarcasm and his home — the free state of Florida. You can contact Jonah by email at jtran5@nd.edu.


Jonah Tran

Jonah Tran is a sophomore at Notre Dame studying finance, classics and constitutional studies. He prides himself on sarcasm and his home — the free state of Florida. You can contact Jonah at jtran5@nd.edu.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.