As if the burden of being a Notre Dame student, minesweeper addict, self-proclaimed visionary and interhall flag football captain weren’t enough, I now have the taxing responsibility of being a fish owner. My roommate and I offishially became fish parents 18 days ago, and as you can see, I’ve been quick to adopt the dad jokes. I am also very clumsy with a tendency to trip and knock things over.
In the spirit of responsible parenthood (and paranoia after becoming convinced that my emergency dentist stole my identity), I will be keeping my fish’s identity private. Thus, I have selected a generic stock photo and will henceforth refer to my fish using the alias “Jimmy.”
I didn’t choose the fish owner life; it chose me. My roommate and I got Jimmy second-hand by happenstance or perhaps fate. During a house tour from a friend of a friend, Jimmy caught our attention. Yet, we knew that no rational or intelligent being would simply hand over their fish. Luckily, we were dealing with men of Dillon Hall. Negotiations were as follows:
Us: “You have a fish.”
Them: “Ya, do you want it?”
Us: *Shrugs shoulders* “Uh, ya sure.”
After these negotiations, which likely closely resembled those between Jefferson and Napoleon over the Louisiana Purchase, we became proud owners of a fish. We retrieved Jimmy the following weekend while the house was hosting a function. My roommate heroically evacuated Jimmy, passing cop cars and unconscious bodies sprawled across the front lawn, likely traumatizing him. He looked rather shellshocked, but a quick Google explained that this was because fish can’t blink.
Jimmy is a goldfish. This is relieving because it seems past Notre Dame students have had issues with catfish. Goldfish are famously easy to take care of, but now that I’ve suddenly got little Jimmy’s life in my hands, I’m not so sure I can rise to the occasion.
Fish ownership is not for everyone. 11 million Americans own a freshwater fish. 480 million goldfish are sold annually. I’m no math major, but this means Americans either own an average of 43.6363 fish or they are killing these suckers like soap operas kill off characters for the drama. I don’t want Jimmy’s blood on my hands (I’m still recovering from the time I stepped on and killed a chipmunk while walking to class).
My concern partially stems from a lack of prior pet ownership. The closest thing I had to a pet was a steel cylinder, which I drew a face on and named “Steely Dan.” But Steely Dan is more of a companion than a dependent. So I turned to other goldfish parents for guidance. I figured who better than United States President Grover Cleveland, owner of many goldfish and a champion of civil service reform. Unfortunately, Cleveland also married a girl, whom he was guardian of, making him creepy, and Frances Cleveland the youngest first lady in American history. I don’t plan on marrying my fish, so I think it’s best to go in a different direction. That is why I have turned to the loyal readers of The Observer to direct my questions and concerns.
Questions & Concerns:
Jimmy is not talkative, will he ever open up?
I have been dying to know Jimmy’s take on the fed’s recent rate cuts, if “White Lotus” got snubbed at the Emmys and whether Jake Browning can hold the Bengals together until Burrow’s return.
Is using the phrase “be a goldfish” in reference to having a short-term memory derogatory?
Ted Lasso is loved for being goofy and optimistic, but few have been willing to call him out for his anti-goldfish statements. While the concept of a goldfish memory may help self-critical students stop dwelling on their greatest failures (not making an SIBC travel team), it comes at the expense of an entire species with a rich history. Does Jimmy find this offensive to his limited memory capabilities? If he does, does it even matter since he has such a short memory? Does this mean I can insult my fish without impacting his long-term self-image?
Does Jimmy count as a dependent for tax purposes?
My mom still does my taxes, so please contact her with the answer to this question.
Should I change my ringtone?
Because fish are often (probably unethically) given out as prizes in bags at carnivals, is it insensitive to have my ringtone set to Carnival by ¥$, Kanye West and Ty Dolla $ign? Fish do not have tear glands; thus, they cannot cry, and I have no way of knowing if this song makes Jimmy sad. If it does, I will also have to change my alarm.
At the beginning of the article, I mentioned that I’m clumsy with a tendency to knock things over. I have no intention of tying this into my article about fish ownership. In accordance with the principle of Chekov’s gun, should I remove this from the article?
I am always open to feedback on my writing. All criticism (constructive or just mean) can be directed to the email below.
Am I still allowed to eat Goldfish crackers?
A woman of my age requires 1,800 to 2,400 calories per day, and I rely on Goldfish crackers for 17% of these. Does Jimmy perceive this as a threat? I know this to be nonsense, but my brain is over 13,000 times bigger than Jimmy’s. I am torn between being accommodating to my fish and enjoying a snack that smiles back. Jimmy never smiles at me.
Jimmy will not stay in timeout. Why does he not obey?
That disobedient, no-good, son of a gun will not listen when we try to put him in time-out. Rather, he paces back and forth like he’s training for a big race. This may be because his favorite movie is “McFarland, USA.” I have not found the right time to break the news that, because he is a fish, he is unable to join a high school cross-country team of seven Mexican Americans who fulfill a classic American underdog story by winning the state championship.
Despite these concerns, fish ownership has been fintastic and I’m looking forward to many more months with Jimmy (if we make it). So in the words of Long John Silver, “Fish Yeah!”
