Not to go very “Barbie” movie monologue on you, but it seems to me that nothing a woman does can satisfy the culture — new critiques are always entering the zeitgeist about what women should and shouldn’t be doing.
As soon as the gripping Vogue article “Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” crossed my FYP, I was immediately thrilled and found it very funny. Yet, as I read through the article, I began to question my initial reaction. It seems to me that there is something sinister afoot, not having to do with boyfriends, per se, but to do with the idolization of gold-star independence and self-reliance in women, and in culture as a whole.
I definitely respect certain aspects of Vogue writer Chanté Joseph’s article. I love the idea of decentering men, of questioning personal motives for seeking relationships and of examining how creators present their identities online and what symbols they use to chase clout. Such ideas inspire women and men alike to find validation outside of other people’s opinions or attention, which can only be a good thing, since it encourages individuals to be more authentic and to stop using relationships as a way to cope or hide. Authenticity is the coolest thing, in my opinion, yet authenticity often bleeds into individualism, a tool which, wielded wrongly, can spoil into a sour self-reliance.
Some who critique feminism fear that women will no longer need men when allowed to exercise a certain level of autonomy. If women are allowed to make their own money, choose how they spend it and choose who they spend their time with, then men might no longer be necessary for women at all. My issue with this idea is the term “necessary.” Sure, in the modern world, a woman doesn’t need a man to complete her life or fill her identity, but that doesn’t immediately mean pursuing a romantic connection is wrong or “extra” in an annoying way. Just because something isn’t strictly necessary, doesn’t mean it should be done away with completely, and it definitely shouldn’t be considered taboo by society.
Women are socialized to be as small as possible, not just literally, but in an emotional sense as well: Women are shamed for taking up space, for needing more help or attention, for being a little too loud or a little too opinionated, so it makes sense that women will keep chipping themselves down to their bare bones, eliminating their identities in order to please others. Not only does this tend to manifest itself in forms of individual self-denial in terms of pursuing dreams, personal interests, personal style, healthy friendships and relationships, etc., but this also takes the form of self-harm in other ways — eating disorders, substance abuse, inordinate promiscuity or even physical self-maiming. All of these things are rampant among our young girls (and boys, too) and can all be derived from or made worse by the evil self-dependence and fear of pursuing help, for fear of being “too much,” of inconveniencing someone else, that plagues our culture. It pains me as a woman to see myself and others stop pursuing interests to the point of hurting themselves. Self-harm in any form won’t end in social acceptance, but can only end in isolation and continued self-hatred. In this way, using self-reliance as a means of virtue signaling goes way beyond just thinking a boyfriend is uncool: It can potentially lead to serious repercussions to individuals and communities. We actually do need each other to be healthy, not necessarily in romantic connections, but in communities and as mentors and friends.
To all you ladies out there: No, you don’t need a man, but there’s nothing wrong with having something that you don’t strictly need, even if that thing or person is a bit imperfect. Whether it’s a boyfriend, a sweet treat, a new lip stain, a day off, a more comfortable pair of shoes, etc., it is good to add joy to your life. Now, whether men actually add joy to the lives of women is another question altogether — but I won’t get into that here. The bottom line is that it is up to both men and women to form their identities strongly, grounded in their own true values and desires, with acceptance of their own needs and difficulties, in order to ensure their egos are not squashing or infringing on others. Maybe having a boyfriend is embarrassing, but we all need to be more willing to be embarrassed. If you’re comfortable all of the time, you’re not living much of a life, and if you’re frequently triggered by seeing other people’s personal choices, then maybe that is a you problem. Certainly, embarrassment and inconvenience are the costs of community, and nothing good is going to be handed to you without some cost.
