I was walking through North Dining Hall (latitude: 41.70438449600084, longitude: -86.23578481713852) and as I was looking for a yummy to fill my tummy, I saw something that shook me deeply to my core. On the menu screens, it stared at me: a small beige circle with a stupid peanut logo. I fell to my knees and immediately started to scream. I could not believe my eyes. The University of Notre Dame has fallen prey to the “lamestream” media’s idea of the “peanut allergy.”
Now, some may argue, “Oh, I have a peanut allergy, and it’s real.” Firstly, no, you don’t. Secondly, what you think you have, in reality, is undiagnosed conduct disorder. Because, here’s the thing, nobody has a peanut allergy. People just think they do. This idea of the “peanut allergy” is corrupting our youth and making them weaker. Back in my day, nobody had a “peanut allergy,” and everybody had peanuts. Sometimes fellow neighborhood kids would disappear after bake sales, and I am now realizing they never came back. However, I believe they went on a fun adventure and left us plebians in the dust. This willingness to seek the unknown from my missing peers perfectly encapsulates how the people from my generation were trailblazers that had no fear.
Kids today though? Full of fear. I recently saw this kid having an “allergic” reaction to a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (i.e., making a scene), and it saddened me to see a child so indoctrinated by the lies fed to him by his puppet teachers. I then saw his mother pull out an “EpiPen,” which revived him. But in reality, all I saw was a consumerist hag using her weak son’s delusions to push propaganda onto me.
That EpiPen? Owned by parent company, Viatris. You know what else Viatris makes? Exactly, you guessed it. Viagra, aka another medication for a nut problem. Huh. Weird, isn’t it? It seems like big Viatris is trying to cover a market sector rather than help those in need. Erectile dysfunction is about as real as a peanut allergy, and by that, I mean that it is not real.
What is real, on the other hand, is the price of these glorified heroin needles. An EpiPen costs $600 in the United States. Now, if we pretend that peanut allergies are real, why would something that could potentially save someone’s life be inaccessible for millions of Americans? See, it doesn’t make any sense! Therefore, peanut allergies are not real, but a sign of opulence. An EpiPen is akin to a Rolex, just a status signal.
Next time your buddy says something about a peanut allergy, just punch him in the stomach for flexing on you that he has a lot of money. Call your local representative and tell them “no” to Viatris’ reign of terror on the nut industry (in more ways than one if you know what I am sayin’). We must return to the days of strength. I never left those days, because I am a very strong and special darling, but everyone else has. The first way for you to make your transformation is to oppose the liberal lie of the peanut allergy. Thank you and drive safe. I’m watching and lurking when you least expect it.
