As a fifth-year senior, I have taken my fair share of USEMs and CSEMs. Right now, I am taking “Literature University Seminar: Performance & Rebellion,” or should I say was taking, because they passed me early again, just like they did in all my other seminars. I guess constantly talking about Mel Gibson as the dark, lone wolf of the industry who was blacklisted unjustly and unfairly (he reminds me a lot of myself) proved to my sheeple professors that I am much more equipped to teach their silly little class than they are.
My genius and my wit and my seductiveness obviously threatened them, so they knew I had to exit the class before my classmates joined my harem. However, the geniuses at GPS (Great Person Searcher) still have the USEM and CSEM requirements unfilled on my account, so that must mean the University is using me as an agent to model how to act in seminars for my peers. And now that my life is coming to an end, I decided it is a perfect time to teach my young ducklings my ways:
- Never do the readings: It is a sign of weakness. I don’t read because everything I need to know is already in my head, plus, I don’t even know how to read. You might be wondering, “how do you write these articles,” and that’s a good question. Anywho, every single day, I would go to my five USEMs and CSEMs without having done any of the reading, and I would raise my hand and speak my truth. Oftentimes, the professor would not even call on me, but the mark of a true leader is burning your own path against oppressive, fascist regimes. The professor and your peers will not only be shocked/titillated by your alpha wolf mentality, but they will also bow down to you as a supreme leader who can do no wrong.
- Throw bread at those you disagree with: There’s consistently this one guy that I disagree with in my class, he’s just a real know-it-all. His name is professor Sanders. He consistently makes these asinine points about the true nature of Shakespeare, or whatever liberal lies they are trying to push on to me now, and I can’t take it anymore. I started bringing a loaf of bread to class, and I throw slices at him periodically whenever he’s being cringe on main, i.e., making a pointless point. To make it fun for all involved, I also yell “duck, duck, duck, duck, GOOSE” And he seems to really like the game because he always gets up and starts to chase me out of the room. He isn’t too good at the catching part, though, because he always just goes back to the classroom. What a sore loser!
- Constantly test your peers’ intelligence: On the first day of all my seminars, I come in letting everyone know that I am top dog. When we are doing icebreakers, I am already testing the weak minds of my peers. I’ll give you an example: “Your name is Rebecca? First off, no it’s not. And second, what’s the Hebrew origin of that name? You don’t know? What if I told you my name is now Rebecca? Why am I doing this? Simply because I am more deserving of the name than you are.” They really like when I do this because I am already playfully challenging them before the real fun starts. This shows my peers that I am indeed smarter than them, and the fact that they even decided to speak in front of me is an insult to the king of the classroom.
Does anyone know what the SEM in USEM and CSEM stands for? Exactly, savants embracing marriage. That marriage being, of course, between a man and his right to constantly question everyone all the time at every moment. This isn’t a sign of a deep insecurity, but rather a sign of a high IQ in the double digits (which is really high, right? Right?). Maybe that’s why the University refuses to let me go; my genius is a once-in-a-millennium find. Here’s to another five years at Notre Dame and another five years of my sobriety from adderall. Goodnight, my sweet prince. I labor and labor, and yet I see no difference in my life.
