Everyone knows LinkedIn stands alongside the computer, the printing press and fire as one of the most important inventions in history. Unfortunately, though, many Notre Dame students woefully underutilize it. These poor souls have no idea what they’re missing out on, but The Observer is here to help. Here is your guide to posting on LinkedIn for every situation you might encounter.
Got a job
After a laborious job search, you’ve managed to land a 14-week summer internship. This is what LinkedIn was built for. Few things in life are more fulfilling than the opportunity to celebrate whichever corporate fiend you’ve signed your soul away to. Whether you’re working for Raytheon, Goldman Sachs, Baal, Moloch or a more local malevolent entity, it’s important to let the world know which circle you’ll be spending the afterlife suffering in. Keep it simple: you’re thrilled to announce you’ll be joining Palantir’s team for the summer as an Evil Surveillance Intern, and you can’t wait to see what morally compromised opportunities this will bring!
Didn’t get a job
Computer science students, take notes: though not quite as glamorous as getting a job, not getting a job is equally important and should also be commemorated with its own LinkedIn announcement. After every rejection, it’s important to make it clear you didn’t want that job anyway. Let your followers know that the offending company is probably run by Geno Smith or Benjamin Netanyahu, and it’s most likely implicated in the Epstein files. It’s a good thing you dodged that bullet.
Made the dean’s list
Everyone knows making the Dean’s List as a first-semester freshman is the greatest thing one can ever hope to achieve. World leaders, Olympians and Nobel laureates pale in comparison to the rare few in the top 30% of the GPA pecking order. A verbose, self-aggrandizing three paragraphs is the minimum one should post to celebrate such a monumental accomplishment. Bonus points if you used ChatGPT to write it. If you feel singled out by this section, you can post about that too.
Got a job people probably shouldn’t know about
Once you’ve made it past the second round of interviews for “Cartel – Drug Mule Intern (Summer 2026)”, an important deliberation awaits. Do you post about it on LinkedIn, potentially tipping off the FBI, or remain silent and let an important milestone go unnoticed? In this case, subtlety is the name of the game. You’ve started a new position in the “chemical transportation” industry, and you’re excited to “ingest” new experience and work with a “syndicate” of experienced professionals.
