While my girlfriend and I were dining in a restaurant over spring break, we happened to eavesdrop on a slightly disturbing conversation between two couples of senior citizens who were discussing homosexuality. "What is the difference between a gay and a lesbian? Do they go out together?" asked one confused old man. "I'm not sure, but the good thing is, eventually they'll all be wiped out of the gene pool because they can't reproduce," replied another. "We should really just send them all to an island somewhere," suggested one of their wives. "What about Australia?" recommended the other thoughtful woman.
With opinions like these circulating amongst many conservative elder statesmen around the country, it is no wonder that our President and his Congress are cracking down hard on the recent fad of gay marriage, much to the dismay of liberals everywhere. So in an ideal example of the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" philosophy, I have decided not to sit around fighting a losing battle against a moralistically conservative President who might very well pursue a career in televangelism when he leaves office. Instead, I now set my liberal roots aside and stand in strong support of the proposed Constitutional amendment that would place an official ban on gay marriages, and here's why.
It doesn't take the keen insight of a Big East basketball official to realize that the speculated 28th amendment on gay marriages would bear a striking similarity to another hallmark of the American legislative process, the 1920 prohibition of alcohol. Both originated in the form of religious admonitions against their respective behavior, and then both later received goading from powerful special interest groups like the "Anti-Saloon League" and more recently, the "Republican Party."
Not to mention the fact that the proposed prohibitions were completely transformed from purely moralistic to entirely political issues, with President Herbert Hoover lauding one as "a noble experiment," and President Bush referring to the other as vital for "the stability of society" in a speech during his already heated contest against Democratic candidate John Kerry.
For these reasons, and many others into which I lack ample space to properly delve, I hope to carry forth another legendary aspect of the alcohol prohibition era into the potential gay marriage prohibition days of tomorrow. I'm talking, of course, about bootlegging.
That's right, you heard it here first. I plan on becoming the Al Capone of the twenty-first century. Now while you're repeatedly smashing your face into a concrete wall for not thinking of this ingenious idea first, I will begin to unfurl my master plan.
Everyone has heard the legendary reports of Capone and his ruthless Chicago mob providing illegal alcohol - the so called "bathtub gin" - to millions of thirsty patrons at his "speakeasies." It is also fairly common knowledge that the mob boss' ascension to wealth and power was facilitated immensely by the restrictive actions of the United States government.
Consequently, I see no reason why I could not take similar actions and one day become the most powerful bootlegger of gay marriages in America - I am an O'Neill Hall Mobster, after all, and I don't believe in coincidences.
So after Washington's conservative cronies successfully eliminate the already meager supply of gay marriage licenses being offered by earthy-crunchy liberal governments in San Francisco, Portland, and small towns in New Mexico, New York and New Jersey, an enormous black market demand for these licenses will need to be met. This can then easily be accomplished in the clandestine establishments that I will set up throughout America, which will fittingly be known as "queer-easies."
After the underground word spreads about my "queer-easies," I will soon be Scrooge McDuck-ing it in the oodles of money that my brilliant scheme generates. Just like Capone met the demand for alcohol in the Roaring Twenties, my glorious example of capitalism at work will meet the people's demand for gay marriage licenses in the era that will one day be dubbed the Flaming Aughts.
So go ahead, President Bush. Give homosexuals a kick in the chaps. Throw them off their bucking broncos. Ride them out of town with your Smith and Wesson flailing. Spread your intolerant evangelism throughout America; or at least all the way from El Paso to Fort Worth. It doesn't matter to me.
I'll be right there, a Capone-like Donald Trump of the future, making my millions off your conservative blunders. And one day, with any luck, I'll be able to sit you down in a board room just like the Trumpster's and utter the words that John Edwards' other America has been longing to hear for quite some time.
"You're fired."
Joey Falco is a freshman political science and Spanish major. His column appears every other Wednesday. He can be reached at jfalco@nd.edu.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
