Sex and politics: in the past half-century, the two have become as inextricably linked as green beer and Americanized religious holidays. For starters, there have been the publicized adultery cases of national figures like JFK, Bill Clinton, and Gary Hart, all of whom managed to prove that in Washington, DC, pimpin' is, in fact, easy. There is also the curious tendency of the religious right to include sex-related legislation - like gay marriage and abortion laws - at the top of the national agenda. What's more, as Bob Dole has so awkwardly shown in his infamous Viagra commercials, even retired politicians still try to keep a little spunk in their Washington Monuments after they leave the DC spotlight.
The real shocker in this twisted web of legislation and fornication, though, has been the onslaught of debate over sexual prowess and ideology that has captivated everyone from GQ magazine to MSNBC's brazen brandisher of bowties, Tucker Carlson. In other words, who does it better? Are Republicans really an elephant in the bedroom, or are Democrats the more desirable piece of ... donkey? The answer, according to most reliable sources available online (author's note: may God strike me down if I ever again refer to "feministing.com" as a reliable source), is actually quite surprising.
"Republican men," reports an anonymous article in the latest edition of GQ, "are infinitely better to have sex with." The woman who penned the piece, while seemingly employing her wealth of personal experience on the topic to give credence to her assertions, explains that "Democrats need something incredibly erotic - like 'Meet the Press' - to get revved up ... Republicans, on the other hand, don't even need Fox News to get it up. They understand that foreplay is about sex. And lots of it. Democrats are too busy checking if the condoms you keep in the jar by the bed are good for the environment." (Author's note: As an intern at "Meet the Press," I am legally obligated to inform you that our show is in no way meant to be viewed as left-wing pornography. Also, keeping a jar of environmentally safe condoms by your bed is a great way to make friends.)
In an interview with Tucker Carlson to elaborate upon this empirically suspicious article, GQ deputy editor Michael Hainey added, "I think she also makes the great point that ... Republicans, they're great on dates, because ... they'll just spend and they won't care about ... who pays the bill. They sort of spend, have a good time, and they'll worry about it later." This certainly explains the record deficits under President Bush - apparently he's just fattening up the federal budget and getting it drunk so that he can take it back to the Lincoln Bedroom to make sweet, fiscally irresponsible love to it while Laura is out of town. Still, you have to admit that Republicans at least have taste when they're committing adultery - even with the GOP's record defense spending, Monica Lewinsky still outweighs Bush's budget by at least a buck fifty.
For those (like myself) who are still not convinced, even ABC News' "Primetime" decided to weigh in on the debate in 2004 with a poll on the American public's views on sex. In the study, they found that "Republicans are around 10 points more likely than Democrats to think about sex daily, to be very satisfied with their ... sex lives, and to wear something sexy to spice things up." (Author's note: For anyone else who instantly pictured Dick Cheney quail hunting in sexy black lingerie, please wipe this image from your mind before proceeding. Thank you.)
Of course, there is another side to this whole debate, and the same ABC News poll touched on it as well.
Liberals, they note, are far more sexually adventurous. Conservatives, on the other hand, are "less apt to have had rebound sex ..., to watch sexually explicit movies, to discuss their fantasies, to have had sex outdoors, to have had sex on a first date, or to have visited a porn site."
Fortunately for ABC, their research was also backed up by a truly credible news source - the bloggers at "feministing.com" - who compiled a list of ten reasons why liberal men are better in bed. While mentioning most of these points in print would get me excommunicated from the Church, the author did note, "A good liberal man realizes that what goes on in politics does have an impact on what goes on in the bedroom. This is in stark contrast to the Republican man who can't understand how his support for anti-choice politicians could possibly impact your sex life. While it may have been fun [with] a Republican man the night before, it's his fault you'll have a hard time getting your Plan B prescription filled the next day."
Touché.
And the moral of the story? Screw economic policy, welfare reform or foreign affairs. When determining which party to vote for in the coming elections, think sex: Have you enjoyed the past six years of the same old Dick and Bush, or do you think it's time to get kinky and have rebound sex with a new piece of ... donkey?
Joey Falco is a junior American Studies major. His column appears every other Monday. He can be contacted at jfalco@nd.edu
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
