Broke in South Bend

$5 night

You have approximately $16 to your name (in checking) and $5 on you (in cash). Go to Backer and pay only for cover, get a tall glass of beer with your drink ticket, tip well because Bella poured it for you and play trivia with all your might (even though you know almost nothing). Trust your instincts on the baseball questions; you are almost always 22% right on the baseball questions. Trust your instincts on the song that sounds like the intro to “Arrested Development”; it is almost certainly the intro to “Arrested Development.” Once you’ve accepted your fate that your team is more likely to lose than to make top three (you have never ever made top three, even in the summertime when there were four teams total at the Backer), your friends will make a cootie catcher and an origami hat out of leftover pieces of paper. Emma will grant your fortune, and Peyton will give you the hat, which you will wear until it falls off your head (this will be devastating). Go to Brothers, make rounds and get yourself a water. Smile at everyone you know and would like to know. This is a $5 night.

$0 night

Curl up on your floor with the windows drawn and all the lights down (except for the pink light bulb and the fairy lights, which will twinkle like little stars around the ceiling of your room). Play a Matt Maltese song, like “Always Some MF” or “Even If It’s a Lie,” something that will reverberate off the floor or make someone tear up and want to start talking about one of their exes (that person will almost always be me). Michaela will play an incredibly spooky song for you and Madeleine, which will make your skin crawl, but you will be lying on the hardwood floor trying to vibe with it, although you are almost positively being hypnotized or cursed by it. There’s something truly witchy about it, so you and Madeleine make Michaela change the song before it even ends. Then, watch “May December.” That will be a bit spooky too. Get spooked. Then laugh about it. 

$60 night

This will be a more expensive night because you are staying in Wicker Park. Go see Tommy Richman. Mosh with him. Spend lots of time getting dressed and dancing and bopping around the hotel room with Claire and Jacqueline and all the music playing. Get a noise complaint. Turn the music down. Turn the music up (just a little). Dance with some Belgian dudes. Run away from aforementioned Belgian dudes. Go to a speakeasy and order something called “The Water.” This Water will resurrect you. Amen to this Water. 

$37 night

You have approximately $56 to your name (in checking) since you logged your work hours. Go to the Lauber and order the Showstopper pizza and eat the whole entire thing. Drink lots and lots of water. Gossip with your girlfriends, and go around the table telling each other every secret you’ve ever had for all of college. Go to the South Bend Cubs game and promptly buy two beers and bop around with Katie for almost an eternity. You will arrive to section 115 at the ripe hour of 8:30 p.m. at the bottom of the sixth inning. Although you missed the first six, you will bring the energy of someone who has been invested in every waking moment of this game. You are in the first row, so your crew sets the tone. Say something vaguely flirtatious whenever the South Bend pitcher strikes someone out because you are single and chirping baseball players is something you sincerely enjoy doing when single. Cubs win. Fireworks. Jump. Cheer. Finish your beer. Go to CJ’s. Walk if possible, Uber if cold (it’s probably cold due to the fact that it’s always cold, and the wind won’t stop smacking you in the face). Your Uber is a sportscar with lights on the bottom; Mehwish requests a Chris Travis song, and the bass will make your heart feel like it’s going to explode (but in a good way). Wait in line for 10 minutes. Split a pitcher with Katie — vodka soda with sour. Tip well, of course, but especially well because Jennifer made it. Split it and dance like time is not real and no night will ever be this magical. CJ’s will feel like it did last spring and the spring before that; you will feel like a sophomore, with all the whim and excitement of someone who definitely shouldn’t be here. You will look around the room with an “open heart” because your mom said to. Your friend who you were beefing with for the past three weeks will come up to you and say, “Can we be friends again?” You will say, “Sure,” and mean it. Sure. Sure. Sure. 

$12 night

Order a pizza and fries from Danny Boys. Eat it with Clare until the place starts to feel a little too young. Scamper to Clare’s apartment. Make the world’s best mixed drink known to man — Passion Fruit-Tangerine Kombucha with passion fruit liqueur with some plain soda water and a dash of lemon juice. You are a bartender. You are not always good at this, and Clare is scared when she starts to drink it, but then it actually tastes good. She says, “Mmm.” Play “Truth and Drink.” Talk about everything ever. Bonus points if you cry. It’s okay to cry. Clare makes a sticker with your dog’s cute little face on it. Paste this sticker to the back of your favorite notebook, which you always keep in your purse. Give her a big hug for making this sticker. Go to Backer. Somehow, you always end up at Backer. Bury us in Backer. It’s only right.