I visited one of my hometown friends in France while studying abroad. One night, we were in her room, getting ready to go out. I had just met her friend, and we were laughing and having fun. The conversation took a sharp turn, and we began talking about one of their friends who is struggling with their mental health. All of a sudden, my beloved friend uttered the words, “I hate myself, too.”
This caught me by immediate surprise. To my dismay, her friend agreed. I was dumbfounded and confused how anybody at this age could possibly hate themselves. It also made me sad; I wish my friends saw themselves the way I perceive them. They’re brilliant, strong, compassionate, beautiful and the list goes on. God’s gifts to me.
I haven’t always been secure in myself. There have been late nights where I’ve made lists of all of the things I need to improve upon, ruminate over past mistakes, compared myself to others, you name it. But, some lifestyle changes and a happy side effect of growing up has been learning to love Zora, just as she is. And hopefully after reading this, you can love yourself too.
Your past is not a prison
It’s time to forgive yourself for whatever you’re holding on to. Take this as your sign. I used to beat myself up over the mistakes I’ve made, one in particular. But part of what has set me free is the realization that I am no longer that person; that I have grown to realize the errors of my ways and make conscious decisions to be better — and that’s truly all you can ask of yourself. So take a deep breath, audibly say the words “I forgive you,” if you have to, and celebrate the person you’ve become in lieu of the person you once were. Everyone messes up, big time. It’s part of being human. How you learn from those mistakes is what determines what kind of person you are.
Get out of bed!
I cannot stress this enough. Get. Out. Of. Bed. In time to eat breakfast, at that. This is still a huge struggle for me, coming from someone who once (or perhaps far more than that) has gotten out of bed at 5 or 6 p.m. Then, one day, I had a meeting at 8 a.m. I physically dragged myself out of bed, kicking and screaming. After my meeting, on my way to breakfast, I felt so productive and proud that I had the whole day ahead of me. I remember thinking, “I feel great!” Unfortunately, those “successful entrepreneur” 5 a.m. morning routines are doing something right: my mental health improves when I get out of bed. Your past may not be a prison, but your bed surely is.
Move your body
You need to exercise in some way. I’m not going to sugar coat it. Start exercising, whether that’s lifting, picking up a club sport, pilates, running, I don’t care. There is so much research behind the link to aerobic exercise and improved mental health. If you don’t have time, make time — this is where getting up earlier becomes crucial. I am so much happier when I get a run in, and proud of myself for having done so. Endorphins from running plus pride from being disciplined enough to exercise equals self love. Change doesn't happen overnight, so you do have to stick with it. Consistency is key, and so is discipline: do it tired, do it scared, do it sad, do it angry, do it happy. You are always a work in progress.
Put effort into your appearance
I believe that dopamine dressing is a real thing. Dopamine dressing is the idea that there is a connection between how you dress and how you feel — that certain colors, textures and styles can enhance your mood and boost confidence. Color is believed in psychology to have an effect on your mood, so the colors you wear must have some effect on those feel-good chemicals in your brain. I intentionally wear brighter colors when I exercise, and find that when I do, I feel more confident and happy. Having an outfit with a pop of color improves my mood. Perhaps it’s a placebo, but it really does make a difference to me.
Pick up a hobby or two
I think that everyone should have two hobbies: one that moves them, and one that doesn’t. A “moving” hobby includes some kind of aerobic activity: pickleball, rock climbing, running, pilates, dancing, weight lifting, boxing, etc. A “non-moving” hobby can be scrapbooking, photography, collecting, nail art, journaling, reading, sewing, you get it. Personally, my “moving” hobbies are lifting and running. I wanted to see what the “runner’s high” hype was all about, and while I’ve only experienced it a few times, it is euphoric. One of my stationary hobbies is scrapbooking. I love to make photo albums, and devote hours to creating Polaroid scrapbooks that I can have for generations and reflect on fondly.
Get help
It’s probably time to go to therapy. Everyone can benefit from it. If you’re a Notre Dame student, check out the UCC drop-in hours, or source a psychologist elsewhere. There are also talk therapy apps.
Don’t be a recluse
This should be a given. Being social and spending time with loved ones who build you up always boosts my mood and self-esteem. Which brings me to my next point:
Cut out toxicity
Life is too short to be spending it with people who make you feel miserable. Have those uncomfortable, confrontational conversations and remove the toxicity from your life before it consumes you.
Stop seeking validation from external sources
Learn your worth. You are enough. Say it until you believe it. Stop bending over backwards for the approval of parents, friends, professors, bosses and whoever you’re attracted to. This is admittedly so much easier said than done, and like many things on this list, are a constant work in progress for me. Try your best to de-center the expectations of others from your life.
Be alone
Date yourself! Go do things alone. Go to the gym, restaurants, the movies, study dates, you name it. Force yourself to work through those thoughts you’ve been having, and sit in that uncomfortable state until it’s not uncomfortable anymore. It’s hard, but worth it. Challenge your thoughts; counter them with positive ones. For example, if you feel like everyone hates you, try countering it with a list of people who truly care for you.
Be grateful for yourself
You do so much for yourself that you take for granted. You take yourself to the doctor when you’re sick, tuck yourself into bed each night, buy your favorite things and the list goes on. Indulge in self-care as well, which can look like getting in bed early, exercising or just about anything aforementioned. Lastly, cut out negative self-talk. Self-deprecating “jokes” are not funny, nor are they jokes when you actually hate yourself. Make it a point to only talk positively about yourself and to yourself, and see how you feel after a few weeks or months. I intentionally stopped making self-deprecating jokes a couple of years ago, and my quality of life has since improved.
This will not be easy. Frankly, working on yourself is quite hard. But try your best: would you rather live in the constant pain of being upset with yourself, or the pain of self-improvement?
Zora Rodgers is a senior studying film, television, and theatre. She's from Falls Church, Virginia and has the pajama pants to prove it. When not watching the TODAY Show or writing, she can be found wearing too much perfume and spending her NBC paychecks on SKIMS. You can reach out to her at zrodgers@nd.edu.
