Domer dollars launch BNPL model
Your favorite short-term financing model, which makes those guilty pleasure purchases feel cheaper in the moment, could soon help you pay for that late-night Taco Bell run in four separate interest-free installments. Domer dollars have long been lacking budget flexibility and financial inclusivity that lets students splurge at the bookstore and then convince their senile grandparents that they still owe them birthday money before their first installment payments become due.
Tornado ravages and destroys The 87, forcing students to live in Stepan Center
As a resident of The 87, I have major doubts about the structural integrity of the building. Thus, I am vulnerable to even the mildest natural disasters. In the case of a mild storm, I have a stash of popsicle sticks and coffee filters which I can use to make a more durable structure than The 87. But there is only one building in South Bend that could withstand an EF5 Tornado: the Stepan Center. With a wide base, solid foundation, and a ceiling seemingly reinforced with duct tape, there is not a power known to mortals that could destroy the structure. So for all my 87 neighbors, you can sleep easy knowing that no matter what Mother Nature throws at us, we will still have a place to take calculus exams, host SUB concerts and sleep.
Smash Burger money laundering scheme exposed
For those new to campus, before Street Fare started serving up cultured dining options in LaFun, a Smash Burger operated in the very spot. But upon Smash Burger’s closing, few mourned the loss. Smash Burger’s strange operating hours ensured it was always closed when I was craving a burger. How a restaurant like that operated while closing around 3 p.m. daily can only be explained by the fact that it was a front for a money laundering scheme. It’s unclear who was behind this money laundering scheme, but I have a feeling this will slowly become apparent as the semester unfolds.
South Dining renovation fosters existentialism, sending students into deep introspection
Change is part of life, but few of us expected it would come to the South Dining Hall. The renovations bring the promise of modern facilities while retaining the historic charm, but come at the cost of the beloved South Dining Hall (SDH) where we spent hours waiting in line for Indian night. These days, the pre-renovation LaFortune Student Center is a distant memory, and Fisher and Pangborn Halls are basically fever dreams. It’s as if they never existed. When we die, the same will happen to us. The SDH renovation is a reminder that eventually, we will all be forgotten. Thus, introspection will plague students this semester.
ND priest launches cryptocurrency
Some entrepreneurial Notre Dame priest may soon join the likes of Donald Trump, Shakira, Jason Derulo, Soulja Boy, and any other celebrity looking to make a quick buck off their fame. The Catholic Church has no official stance on cryptocurrency, leaving the door wide open for a Catholic figure to capitalize on the untapped potential. Buy early and buy in volume; the value’s only going up.
Observer exposé leads to the shuttering of the Glynn Family Honors Program
I don’t know what they’re hiding, but leave it to the stealthy and nosey writers at The Observer to uncover whatever those honors students are up to. Student life at Notre Dame has been too docile for too long now. This can only mean that something big is brewing under the surface. So make sure to tune into The Observer for the shocking details and stay for the other inspired pieces by your classmates.
Final class of science business majors forms a secret society
The science business majors are some of the finest scholars Notre Dame has to offer, but it won’t be long before they're extinct. However, they will not leave without establishing a dynasty. The successors will move in silence, under the guise of engineering majors with a minor in engineering corporate practice. If you see any suspicious gatherings of those too awkward to be finance majors but with enough social skills that they couldn’t simply be engineers, you can rest assured that the legacy of the science business major lives on.
Rector forced to resign after running naked mile on God Quad
A midlife crisis and a few too many drinks at the rector social might just lead to the residents of Walsh and Sorin being scarred for life. The stresses of being a rector at Notre Dame are already enough to break a man. Add in fears of aging and mortality, lack of fulfillment, desire for change, questioning of their self-identity, regret and a little bit of alcohol, and soon enough, the clothes are off and they’re dashing across God Quad like Jeremiyah Love after he’s broken through the defense. Unfortunately, Mother Mary is always watching from atop the dome.
Allison Abplanalp is a senior finance and accounting major. If she could change one thing about the English language, she would make "a lot" one word. Her least favorite month is March because every year she is devastated when she fails to pick the perfect March Madness bracket. You can contact Allison at aabplana@nd.edu.
