How to write a boring Opinion article

I remember a time when reading the Opinion, formerly called Viewpoint, articles were a highlight of my day. Always sitting in a finance class, I would crack open the Viewpoint section to read interesting reflections, from practical relationship advice to inspiring, relatable stories about one’s mental health struggles. They were invariably engaging, always had a strong sense of personality and character. It was, in fact, reading these Viewpoint articles that encouraged me to apply to be a regular columnist, which I have been doing for over three years. These opinion articles used to be the crown-jewel of The Observer. 

Times have changed. The people and maybe even the writers want boring articles. And it would be grossly irresponsible for me to maintain my authorial integrity, so I must give the people what they want. Perhaps, by producing a how-to manual of writing a boring Opinion article, I might inspire the next generation of writers to do likewise. And so, I proceed shamelessly.

1. Write about politics. This is proven to be the most effective way of losing the attention of your audience. Given that your audience has been bombarded with news about military conflicts, political assassinations and all sorts of calamity, it would be wise to throw your unsolicited two cents in. Given your 20ish years on this earth, 18 and a half of which you have been self-aware for, you are well equipped to offer solutions to problems over which people have been debating, arguing and even killing over for hundreds of years. Think of writing these sorts of articles as a way of using your Notre Dame education to better offend your Uncle Joe or Aunt Sue at Thanksgiving Dinner. 
2. Use buzzwords. I suggest the following: public discourse, threat to democracy, problematic, racism, fascism, XYZ-ism, right to free speech, marketplace of ideas, unacceptable, polarization, bipartisanship, championing and American people. Here’s a quote from ChatGPT, a virtuoso of this language: “Public discourse in the United States has grown increasingly problematic, as accusations of racism, fascism, and other XYZ-isms collide with the right to free speech and the supposed marketplace of ideas, leaving citizens divided over what is acceptable, deepening polarization, undermining bipartisanship and raising questions about whether championing the voices of the American people ultimately strengthens or poses a threat to democracy.”
3. Never be funny. The lack of humor, or any personal quality, for that matter, is a hallmark of a boring article. I strongly advise against using humor because Notre Dame students do not receive humor well. You might say something that is not in keeping with the Catholic character of the University. I advise that you, instead, write as if you were responding to a Canvas discussion post where you 1) need to hit the minimum character limit, 2) didn’t actually do the assigned reading necessary to answer the question and 3) virtue-signal your ability to use ChatGPT to respond to prompts. Or, you may consider that you are writing as if responding to a classmate in a seminar where you start with the phrase “I totally agree with XYZ” or “To build off what XYZ said.” Remember participation points are on the line.
4. Use statistics and cite your sources. Confirmation bias is your friend. I advise that you use the strategy of overloading the tabs on your reader’s browser with disparate links to Buzzfeed articles or esoteric studies. The goal is to show the reader that you did your homework, and they obviously did not. Therefore, you are correct.
5. Say things so radically offensive or scandalous that your future employer’s HR representative will find your article as the first thing that pops up when you search up your name on the internet. It is great for your personal and professional branding if your digital footprint is as big as possible. Alternatively, and perhaps this is more relevant, when you are sitting before a Senate confirmation hearing in Washington, D.C., the Senators and their staff will be more easily able to dig up dirt on you. 

These are, mind you, all suggestions to improve the quality of your Opinion articles. If at any point during this article you felt that I was attacking you or your character, I strongly encourage you to write an Opinion article to attack me and my character.

Moreover, if you made it to the end of this article, perhaps I should’ve taken my advice more seriously. You’re welcome.