Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: You go out for a fun night on the town with your homies and eses, a fun and casual night, seemingly. However, unbeknownst to you, your roommate has left. And not just for the night, but forever. When you finally head back to your dorm room after painting the town red with your pals and confidants, the joy of seeing your roommate is the only thing that you have on your mind. Your roommate is your guiding light in the darkest hour. Instead, you are greeted with a delofted bed and an empty desk. So naturally, you run down the hallways screaming and crying your roommate’s name, but it falls upon deaf ears. No answer from your beloved. You crawl back to your room in defeat, but before you open the door, you hear rustling on the other side. Has your damsel returned? You open the door, tears in your eyes — war is over. However, your hopes are quickly destroyed when you see that an intruder has completely moved in during the fifteen minutes that you were gone. Classic.
This has happened to me on six different occasions over the span of this semester, and I wish I could say it gets easier, but it never does. As we all know, the deepest human bond is the one between two roommates. Science has proven — real science, not that nonsense that shows up in the “News” section — that two roommates’ love for each other outweighs their hatred for each other, which is something that is not seen in any other relationship. I’m talking to you, Dad. This makes their inevitable weekly departure more heartbreaking. However, I cannot let you all suffer as I have, so out of the kindness of my pure, perfect heart, I will teach you what you should do in this all-too-common situation.
1. Symbolically hold a funeral for your old roommate
Every time my roommate abandons me, I call up a local funeral home and tell them that there has been a death in the family. This accelerates my grieving process and makes the sadness stage last only four months. The funeral home always asks for a death certificate, but (life hack) just start crying louder and they will stop asking. Proceed with caution, however; I have been blacklisted from every funeral home in Indiana. I’ve had to start calling Michigander establishments (desperate measures).
2. Create a shrine for your traitor old roommate
Now that you have established that your roommate is basically dead to you, you can make a shrine in their honor. This has allowed me to reflect on the good times between me and my former bunkmate, as well as given me a place to put all the stuff that I have borrowed and collected from them! Not everything was taken when they moved out, and I appreciate their donations endlessly. Nothing goes together like hair and a shrine!
3. Get to know your new roommate!
The grieving process is over! It is time to get to meet your new best friend (and savior). Naturally, the first thing I do when I earn a new roommate is make them set up a 401(k). It shows that I care about them, and their future, because I am a kind soul. I then make them fill out a W-2 form, so I can understand how much taxable income they receive annually. I want them to budget, so I naturally write them a financial plan that they need to follow if they care about me at all. This makes them feel very safe and accounted for.
And that is it! Quite a simple list, but what can I say: I’m a trailblazer who adapts easily. People are naturally drawn to me because I am an empath. This is probably why I get a new roommate every week! There just isn’t enough of me to go around. Please take this newfound knowledge and apply it to every aspect of your life. I am a genius and a socialite, so what I say is fact. Apply it and prosper. You’re welcome and goodnight.
