I was recently browsing the news, i.e. 4chan.org, and I found out something about myself that changed my whole perspective on life. I am a manlet with a weak jawline, small wrist circumference, a negative canthal tilt, and a fear of anything with estrogen. This explains why women always run away from me! It’s not because I scream every time I see one, but it's because I’m hideous! It doesn’t matter, though, I know my boys got me. So I went looking for approval from my fellow man, and I posted a photo of myself on a message board. Scrolling through the comments, I saw one reply that just said, “ah hell nah its over for lil bro.” I fell to my knees in the middle of my pediatrician’s office. Is it really over for me … lil bro? This cannot be, I will not accept this.
Luckily, I found this really cool and very normal subculture called “looksmaxxing,” which promises to bring me from an unlovable loser to a sigma gigachad. And now that I’m a certified 4.5/10 (according to the scientists at r/rateme), I know that it is my civic duty to bestow my deep knowledge on my ill-favored, unattractive peers who wish they could be me.
1. Wear high heels everyday (ONLY if you’re a man)
I am sick and tired of all the women in my life being taller than me by three feet. It’s just not fair! Plus, they get to wear special long shoes with the pointy bottoms that make them even taller and scarier! So if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I went to Payless Shoes and borrowed (shoplifted) all the high heels they had. Now everyone looks up to me like a father figure because I command with respect, twisting my ankle twelve times a day and slipping on winter ice. If you’re a woman reading this, you should know that nobody likes a tall woman, just look at every super model ever! So you should just donate your heels to me because I deserve them more. I am a gift to humanity that only gets proper recognition when I am wearing Louboutins.
2. Turn to foreign websites to buy chemicals to make you worthy of love
I’m on the internet for 16 hours a day, which makes me an expert on knowing when I am being scammed or not. So when I tell you, dear reader, that the products that I buy off of sigmamaleuniversityshanghai.ip have changed my life, I mean it. I recently got these “jaw enhancer” pills that are black and contain formaldehyde, which sound scientific and look sexy. Every time I take them my jaw turns red and itchy, and it grows in size, making me look exactly like that Clavicular guy that does looksmaxxing from TikTok! Exactly, like him. I also take these pills to make my wrists bigger, which also makes my jaw turn red and itchy! This website also sells ketamine.
3. Lower cortisol the natural way
A couple months ago, my dad went to the grocery store and asked me to help him bring in groceries. This request was unfair, but I did it nonetheless. However, when I tried to pick up the treacherously heavy gallon of milk, my arms snapped like twigs. The reason I am weak is not because I play Fortnite nine hours a day, but rather because I have high cortisol levels. My life is just so stressful that I cannot go on without falling apart anytime someone asks me to do anything. So ever since I started looksmaxxing, I just stopped caring about everything! You can’t be stressed if you neglect every single thing in your life. Now when my dad asks for help with the groceries, I flip him off, and he, recognizing my newfound strength, challenges me to a physical altercation. I don’t know how, but he seems to care less about everything because he always wins!
4. Give up
Ever since I started this journey, I look in the mirror and see a husk looking back at me.
Wow, what a fun guide! I have been looksmaxxing for only a few weeks, but the results are apparent. Now instead of women ignoring me, they scream (in glee) every time they see me! Even my dad screams when he sees me. Oh, dad! I am the pinnacle of man. Thank you for reading, and if you got this far in the article, it means you’re ugly. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them, like my psychiatrist tries to do at our meetings. Happy National Martyrs’ Day to all who celebrate!
