This is an open letter to the esteemed faculty mice of St. Marmot’s College, written by the unofficial Squirrels for Coyotes Committee, formerly known as the Squirrels Against Squirrels Association.
I, for one, am absolutely appalled by the lack of coyote representation on this all-rodent campus. Is it not the goal — nay — core value of St. Marmot’s College to promote inclusivity across mammals of all backgrounds? The Squirrels for Coyotes Committee will not stand for the flagrant discrimination that this college performs by prohibiting coyotes from predominantly rodent-occupied spaces.
One of my peers recently published a letter claiming that the Squirrels for Coyotes Committee is “directly harmful” to rodent values and that “the coyotes obviously want to eat the student body.” This disgusting assumption is exactly why we need canine voices to be heard and moreover welcomed into the student body with open arms. I speak to you, esteemed rodents, as president of the Squirrels for Coyotes Committee, and I am here to tell you coyotes are exactly what this school for small rodents desperately needs.
The true shortcoming of St. Marmot’s College is its abhorrent dedication to exclusivity. Though the institution was founded as a refuge for small critters like myself and my fellow peers, and although we pride ourselves on our long history of chasing predator supremacists out of the city of South Burrow, I truly believe that coyotes are the missing piece to a stunning mosaic of diverse voices. Several coyotes have promised me personally, jowls drooling with integrity, that they have no intention of taking advantage of their access to small rodent students. I don’t know about you, but I see no reason whatsoever to believe that a coyote, natural predator or not, would lie to me in order to breach the security that St. Marmot’s offers woodland prey.
I would also like to take a moment to address the letter recently written and published by the Groundhog Culture Club. The letter in question begins with a startling contradiction: While the groundhogs pledge their dedication to inclusivity, they simultaneously demand protection from coyotes who have historically only ever eaten small rodents. Open your beady little eyes! The groundhogs are not defending pluralism; this letter is a confession of mammalian tyranny! Do we not find this absolutely absurd? I am beyond outraged and embarrassed to be a student at a rodent-led institution that would deny representation to large predators.
This is exactly why the Squirrels for Coyotes Committee would be such an important official presence on this campus. We pledge to bring in the hawks, foxes and house cats that our administration is too scared to invite to campus. We seek to lay out the mouse traps that vole professors won’t tolerate in the classroom, and we give pro-coyote rodents the platform that we are consistently denied. While close-minded gerbils may seek to monopolize the valuable education offered by St. Marmot’s, the Squirrels for Coyotes Committee exists to extend a hand to larger, toothier and hungrier activists. We seek to widen the tunnels dug by our groundhog founders and make escape impossible for those cornered in their burrows. Only when every nest and tunnel is clawed open and exposed will we ever truly achieve equality.
In closing, no, the Squirrels for Coyotes Committee isn’t a “slap in the acorn” to St. Marmot’s College. The real insult to this ecosystem’s legacy is telling the hamsters of this institution the only acceptable way to be an empowered rodent is to make blind judgements against those whose mouths are perfectly shaped to tear our tiny furry bodies apart. Moreover, I —
A Call For Coyote Representation at St. Marmot’s College by Margaret Q. Marmot was never published as she was sadly eaten by her Squirrels for Coyotes Committee co-founder, Ian Wolf, before its completion. Members of the active Squirrels for Coyotes Committee still passionately carry on her legacy by advocating for predator presence on campus in spite of this unforeseen tragedy.
Piper Jakeway
Saint Mary’s College class of 2026
Dec. 3
