Give your Notre Dame intro?
No. Your dorm, major and hometown should be on a need-to-know basis. Knowledge of your name is a privilege, not a right. There is no reason someone should be so eager to collect so much information about you. Identity theft impacts 9% of the U.S. population and is one of the leading causes of loss of identity, behind mid-life crises. Notre Dame students should keep their cards close to their chests.
Go to another dorm’s SYR?
No, it is not appropriate. The second we have too much intermingling between dorms, the entire dorm system falls apart. Going to another dorm’s SYR wastes time you should be spending supporting your own dorm culture. I only want Flaherty diehards at my SYR. Seeing non-Flaherty residents at Flaherty SYR is like seeing Harvey Weinstein at a #METOO march, you know their heart isn’t in it.
Use Okta Verify?
It is never appropriate to use Okta Verify. How are you, an ND student, going to let an app determine if you are who you say you are? One time, I was signing into a desktop in Hesburgh, and it required two-factor authentication. I said absolutely not. There is only one factor that counts: me. No multifactor authentication can verify if you’re living your truth; it must come from within.
Live on Mod Quad?
Living on Mod Quad is not appropriate. Mod Quad is essentially two half-quads enclosed by the architectural ventures of Hesburgh Library and the Stepan Center. The sidewalk always smells like detergent. And it is perpetually outdone by East Quad. Given that it is possible to transfer halls, living on Mod Quad is not appropriate.
Go to the LaFortune Taco Bell sober when the sun is out?
No, it’s not appropriate. LaFortune Taco Bell is hallowed ground, only to be transcended upon in the depths of the night as the clock nears 2 a.m. Ordering from Taco Bell in the daylight is like going to Dunnegle as a senior: the appropriate time has passed, you must let go and move on.
Have a minor?
It is not appropriate for a Notre Dame student to have a minor. Having a minor suggests you only half know the subject. It immediately makes you inferior to everyone majoring in it. I used to be a theology minor, but then I realized this was a waste of time. Why was I going to squander 15 credit hours only to get halfway through the Bible? So I dropped it, and I picked up a third major in history instead.
Get grab-and-go?
Grab-and-go is not appropriate. The point system also resembles food rations, which were supposed to have ended in the U.S. after World War II. Grab-and-go inflation makes it a disgrace to your meal swipes. I haven’t seen such a terrible return on investment since Notre Dame introduced the gender studies major. It is embarrassing for a Notre Dame student to be so economically taken advantage of.
Buy eggs at the Huddle?
No. The huddle is not meant for buying eggs. It’s taboo to purchase anything that is cooked on a stove or oven from the huddle. With SIBC tryouts occurring, no ND student should have the time to cook anyway. Huddle eggs are also a bad investment. Save that money by stealing eggs from the dining hall omelet station and invest in the stock market using the buy low, sell high method. Tuition is expensive; Notre Dame students need to be thrifty.
Read The Observer?
Never. Reading a newspaper written by your peers lets them know that you think their ideas matter. You should never partake in such inflation of the writing staff’s egos. It’s also dangerous to let us Observer writers get in your head. The second you read our articles, we’ve infiltrated your mind. I know this to be true. As a columnist, I am constantly subtly coercing my readers into doing my bidding.
Have a boy-girl party?
It is not appropriate to have a boy-girl party. Many of our students hail from all-boys and all-girls high schools, and we continue to foster a homosocial community through the dorm system. Hosting such parties could allow men to learn how to talk to women, threatening the social foundations of this school.
Get picked up at Main Circle?
No. To get picked up at Main Circle is to bow in submission to your driver. It shows you’re willing to accommodate someone else. As a Notre Dame Student, your time is valuable. Drivers should arrive at your doorstep. Main Circle is also extremely public. It lets people know your next move. Notre Dame students should be stealthier than this. Opt for the tunnels.
Allison Abplanalp is a senior finance and accounting major. If she could change one thing about the English language, she would make "a lot" one word. Her least favorite month is March because every year she is devastated when she fails to pick the perfect March Madness bracket. You can contact Allison at aabplana@nd.edu.
