1. Thou shalt not ride a scooter to class.
You look like you beat some 7-year-old kid at foursquare, and then took his pride and joy as a victory token. Getting one of the F-14 scooters from Notre Dame's fleet of electric powered vehicles is completely acceptable, though.
2. Thou shalt not wear thy Frosh-O T-Shirt more than once a week.
Your first experience at Notre Dame introduced you to the completely normal gender relations we have at this university. You met your Frosh-O date and proceeded to walk hand-in-hand to Stepan, only to promptly ditch her for your "real" friends. Seriously though, you don't need to wear a t-shirt every day of the week.
3. Thou shalt adhere to thy theme of thy SYR/Dorm Party.
Toga! Toga! Toga! If someone is willing to send you a Facebook invite and then proceed to fill you with their own hard-earned beverages one night, at least give them the common courtesy of showing up in the requested attire. Showing up fashionably late though is highly encouraged.
4. Thou shalt not wear jeans that are skinnier than hers.
If your girlfriend could wear them, then put them down. I beg you to put them down. Leave the skinny jeans to the better half. Actually, just give them to her. It will make her happy, and she'll look good in them. It's a win-win.
5. Thou shalt not pop thy collar of a collared shirt/polo for any reason.
One of the many reasons we love "The Jersey Shore." One of the many reasons you shouldn't do it.
6. Thou shalt not marinate in thy cologne.
Science isn't even on your side. A study published in the European Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology (I do my homework, people) concludes cologne actually inhibits your attractiveness. Apparently, cologne masks your natural scent. Note: Do not confuse B.O. with your natural scent - B.O. is never attractive.
7. Thou shalt get to know thy tailor, or meet one if thou doth not know one.
Your tailor is what Sam is to Frodo or Chewbacca is to Han Solo: He'll save your life one day. A tailored look is the difference between looking good and being really, really, ridiculously good looking.
8. Thou shalt not sag.
Your pants should not be that low. No woman will ever use the words "handsome" and "sag" in the same sentence. That should be enough of an incentive.
9. Thou shalt not wear the same attire two days in a row...or more.
If you don't want to do laundry the solution is to "Suit Up!" I actually did this once. I got a lot of laughs when I told people why I was suited up.
10. Thou shalt never look better than a Lady Domer or a Saint Mary's Belle.
This isn't really a commandment, as it is a fact. You could be in a perfectly cut three-piece suit and she could be in ... well, anything, and look better than you. Perplexing? Yes, but don't question it if you still want to have friends, or possibly reach the elusive dream of ring by spring.
Contact Sean Fitzgerald at sfitzge3@nd.edu
The views in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
