Despite my usual focus on clothes, this week I have decided to focus on something just as important in style: grooming. More specifically, the grooming of your chest hair.
The Case for looking like Chewbacca:
I remember when I grew up that the coolest dudes ever had the greatest chest hair. Who didn't love Austin Powers, or dream of being the next Sean Connery or Magnum P.I.? But here's the kicker - Chuck Norris had chest hair. Therefore, chest hair is the greatest thing ever.
The boy with chest hair no longer feels like a little kid; he has progressed into manhood. The acquisition of chest hair is the modern man's proof that he is no longer a boy, but a man. He is the man's man. He cuts down trees with an ax in his spare time. He fights with his bare knuckles. He knows how to start a fire with two sticks. He could survive in the wild with a hatchet. He loves football. And everyone knows not to mess with his woman.
The Case against Chewbacca:
But, becoming your inner Paul Bunyan can get a little out of control. Imagine all of the things that get lost in there. At certain lengths, small little critters have been known to bury themselves in there for the harsh winters in South Bend. If this man unbuttons two buttons on his shirt, it starts to escape, causing some to mistake him for a South American drug lord. Despite being the man's man, he has often been confused with mystical creatures such as Chewbacca, bears and Bigfoot. He should be wary of his overwhelming hair, even if it could be used as a pillow.
The Case for looking like the Abercrombie & Fitch Model:
Unfortunately, not all men have been blessed with the ability to grow a forest on their chest. Here comes the A&F model. Ladies swoon to him and his washboard abs. Every muscle is clearly defined. He lacks a single hair except for the lightly gelled ones on his head. He could be as dumb as an ox, he couldn't survive a second in the wild, but he always gets the girl. He relaxes by the beach and his job is to stand there and just look good. He is a woman's dream date.
The Case against the A&F Model:
But, he looks like a little boy. Did he ever reach puberty? Where was this man when I was growing up? He seems to be the antithesis of the man's man; he is the woman's man. He is a pretty boy who can't do hard work. Other than his large hairless chest and awe-inducing muscles, what else does he have to offer? He spends his days removing miniscule amounts of hair from his body, he spends exorbitant amounts of time on styling what hair he has on his head and he probably isn't even an ambi-turner.
I don't know which one is better or which one is worse. I grew up seeing the man's man as my hero. But, where has he gone? When was the last time anyone saw a male model with chest hair? Someone, please start a Viewpoint war on this, because it would be hilarious.
Contact Sean Fitzgerald at sfitzge3@nd.edu
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of the Observer.
