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Tuesday, May 21, 2024
The Observer

running race

Excuses for a slow holy half

The Holy Half is coming up! Although this is an opportunity for some to show off how hard they’ve been training, others may face the shame of a slower-than-expected time. Maybe you’ve been training for months, hyping up how fast you were getting only to fall short on race day. Or perhaps you haven’t been training at all, and every time you say you’re going for a run you secretly sneak off to Taco Bell. Either way, when you finish the race at a time you’re not proud of, you’re gonna need an excuse to save face. These can be hard to come up with at the spur of the moment, so I have prepared some options that I think could be believable. 

1. You’re a method actor who is playing a character with a limp in an upcoming role.

Playing a character with a limp is no small undertaking. It requires extreme dedication that only a few possess. For years, you have dreamed of becoming one of the great method actors, the likes of Robert De Niro, Al Pacino or Hilary Swank. You know that if you can nail a limp, this role will be the springboard for your future Hollywood career. The only problem is that it’s hard to run fast with a limp. But, method acting is all about sacrifice. 

2. You were busy analyzing stock charts. 

Why would you spend the race chasing down runners when you could be chasing alpha? Although staring at Yahoo Finance on your iPhone the entire race may have slowed you down, it will all be worth it when the markets open Monday morning. Everyone has to respect the finance grind, and if they don’t, they’re probably an Arts and Letters student entering a low-paying job. 

3. The mannequin challenge.

It just so happened that every speaker you ran by was playing Black Beatles by Rae Sremmurd, forcing you to do the Mannequin Challenge at every turn. The song is nearly five minutes long, and after hearing it nine times, you have tacked on an extra 45 minutes to your time that someone less dedicated to 2016 internet challenges could have avoided. 

4. All the prize money was given to charity.

Once you realized the money they collected was donated to charity and not given to the winner, you lost interest. You were hoping to use the winnings to buy a life-size Elon Musk wax figure you’ve had your eyes on for a while now. But ever since you found out you weren’t going to get your hands on any of the $50,000 that will be going to South Bend charities, the motivation to run fell faster than Twitter’s advertisers after it became X. 

5. You were still wearing your solar eclipse glasses.

You put them on last Monday to see the eclipse without going blind, but you kept them on for the stylistic appeal. However, they do make it hard to see, and you tripped over several rocks and ran off the route far too many times to be able to keep up a fast pace.

6. You got trapped inside the porta-potty.

You went in for a quick stop at the porta-potty, but when you tried to leave you discovered the lock was stuck. Only after fifteen minutes of prying at the lock did it finally come unstuck. But at that point, you had fallen too far behind. 

7. You didn’t want to have to shower.

It’s looking like Saturday is going to be pretty hot. The faster you run, the more you are going to sweat. Unless you want to stink worse than male computer science majors, you’re gonna need to shower. But if you convince your friends that Indiana is experiencing a drought and you don’t want to waste water, then you go from a slow runner to a sustainability hero. 

8. You drank no water all day and ate an entire container of fettuccine alfredo right before the race.

This Holy Half you wanted to do more than raise money for South Bend charities, so you decided to raise awareness for rabies during your run. In solidarity with those with rabies, you refused to drink any water. Additionally, you didn’t realize that carb loading was supposed to be the night before, and the fettuccine alfredo sat heavy in your stomach. Although it was difficult and borderline dangerous, you could not let rabies win. 

9. You had to stop and spit on Carroll Hall. 

If someone in Carroll has wronged you, this is your chance to get back at them and explain your less-than-speedy time. Perhaps one of them hit you with his bike or was rude at Carroll Christmas, or maybe you just dislike the dorm in general. No matter the reason, you had to defend your honor against the Vermin even if it came at the cost of a fast time. 

Allison Abplanalp is a sophomore finance and accounting major. If she could change one thing about the English language, she would make "a lot" one word. Her least favorite month is March because every year she is devastated when she fails to pick the perfect March Madness bracket.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.