1. They’re American.
2. They would get rid of those pesky native animals!
3. They could thin out the excess student body (and cut down costs)!
4. They would offer the illusion of protection from the infamous and mighty feral hogs!
5. Increased tourism, baby!
6. It could help transform Notre Dame into a swamp. Something that everyone wants!
7. Indiana does not have a state animal. This is an opportunity for the American alligator to take the spotlight. Furthermore, due to its deadly strike and fast reflexes, it could put the northern cardinal into extinction and assume the spot of Indiana’s state bird as well.
8. Translocating the alligators from Florida would make the Florida Gators vulnerable, an easy victory for other teams! Notre Dame football began demolishing the SEC by dominating Georgia. It is time to finish what we started!
9. There is a 3-foot version of Joe Rudolph running around campus and wreaking havoc. Hopefully the alligators would put a swift end to this!
10. Alligators make loyal, gentle pets — very little training required!
11. To avenge former University President Fr. Theodore Hesburgh.
12. Alligator cheese would be served in the dining halls on Thursdays!
13. Their powerful jaws make it easy to dispose of crime scene evidence!
14. The IRS will fear you.
15. We could bring classiness back to our attire via fine alligator leathers!
16. We would completely eliminate our goose overpopulation problem on campus!
17. It would enable the South Bend Colosseum: Those who break parietals must become gladiators and fight several alligators in front of a packed arena in order to maintain both their honor and their status as an enrolled student at this school!
18. The excuse of “My dog ate my homework” has run its course. Now, the possibility of an alligator eating your entire backpack plus (or minus) a few limbs could be a legitimate possibility, making your excuses for indolence even more effective!
19. Alligators are known for playing pranks. It would be great for the campus to embrace their playfulness and play pranks back on them!
20. They could further save the University money by working as unpaid tour guides!
21. Besides crime scene evidence, the Alligators’ jaws would also become a great depository for heavy machinery and alkaline battery wash!
22. The alligators could be weaponized as instruments of discipline enforcement, replacing OCS with “The Swamp Council” — an alligator-led governing body responsible for upholding community standards and fostering a culture of reflection, respect and responsibility across campus!
23. Alligators are green, reflecting our Irish culture. This would instill the student body with a great sense of pride to be a University of Notre Dame scholar!
24. Horseback riding is too safe. Let’s get that adrenaline pumping!
25. The introduction of free-roaming alligators that wander the campus grounds would provide physical embodiments of the students at Notre Dame. Consider some of the traits of Notre Dame students: hard-working, disciplined, reptilian and intelligent. All of these qualities, and more, match those of alligators. With alligators roaming the campus alongside students, those walking to class or just strolling around could feel camaraderie with the alligators they encounter on the grounds. This would strengthen the student body’s unity and understanding, as the alligators on the grounds would serve as constant reminders of what it means to live under the Golden Dome.
Concerns
Where do they go in the winter?
One alligator would be allocated to every dorm room.
Do you think that people took extra big gulps of wine at Communion during the Prohibition Era?
Unrelated!
How many alligator wranglers or animal service officers will be brought to campus to ensure safety and order?
Give me a Z-E-R-O!
Suppose an alligator eats a student's homework, goes home to his gator burrow and disintegrates, but is then cloned back into existence. Is this the same gator, and should it be held accountable? How does the university plan on dealing with this Grecian philosophical dilemma?”
No alligators would be held accountable for any damages.
How will the introduction of gators to South Bend affect Tesla stock?
The gators may learn to drive Cybertrucks.
