Over the past three-and-a-half years, I have been amassing quotes from the Notre Dame community and beyond. As I prepare to leave this university, I would like to present a second iteration of what college has given me. I present to you:
The Quotebook
“Tobacco increases the risk of blah, blah, blah, blah.”
“I believe that the dining hall ice cream (vanilla specifically) induced cystic fibrosis within me.”
“You ever call me that again, I’ll break your arm.” — [redacted], on antidisestablishmentarianism.
“I vote to vaporize the board of directors!”
“I learned the methods of the IRS, so I can counteract them, making me a more effective tax evader.”
“I bowled a perfect game without the assistance of steroids and crack.”
“I was not convicted of even one felony this year (technically).”
“Gentlemen, let’s give this young man here a five-boom salute!”
“Do you think people took extra big gulps of the wine at communion during the Prohibition?”
“I participate in Ponzi schemes.”
“The telos of beer is to be poured into pants.”
“Is there a difference between stealing a person and kidnapping them?”
“If it’s a competition where I can win alcohol, I win.”
“The infidel water drinkers shall have their reckoning — inshallah, they shall fall by the sword of ale, the dagger of wine, the AK-47 of whiskey and the Kalashnikov of vodka!”
“When someone from Darien, Conn. says their fun fact is that they’re forklift-certified, I am thoroughly unimpressed.”
“I love him so much. He’s gonna get all of my organs when I die.”
“Probably should’ve studied instead of hitting arms last night, LOL.”
“Beer beat me last night. (I threw up.)”
“The more fear I can spread on the internet, the better the world will be.”
“There is nothing noble about the city we all know as Great Britain”.
“Look at you: dressed in sweatpants, benching 135 … loser!”
“The hogs have invaded the Best Western motel in Montrose, Colo.”
“The stock market (my stomach) underwent a correction (I threw up) after tariffs were raised (I chugged too much milk).”
“The Statue of Liberty? Where are we?”
“I am going to eat the Mona Lisa.”
“Is it illegal to walk outside in England without an umbrella in the sun?”
“You gotta have money if you live like I live. I eat four-cheese lasagna!”
“Communists don’t get parole!”
“I’m an undercover Canadian diplomat doing reconnaissance work in order to assess the possibility of annexing the United States.”
“Charmin has always been there for me at my darkest hour.”
“Facts, I’m gonna shoot my appendix.”
“The Department of Motor Vehicles is a tool the bourgeoisie uses to make the workers turn against one another, not unlike the ATF and the DEA.”
“Can I sell one of my livers to pay back my debt?”
“Beer, beer, beer! Beer, beer, beer! Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer!” (to the tune of “Jingle Bells”).
“My name is Joe ‘Fortnite Gaming’ Rudolph!”
“Be on the lookout! One of my homunculi escaped and is terrorizing the community in South Bend! He looks exactly like me except he is completely bald and extremely aggressive! Beware!”
“And for that, I have German economist Klaus Schwab — inventor of the ‘24 and one patio set’ (24 beers and one chair) — to thank!”
“I have recently begun smoking cigarettes and crushing beers, and I must say, I’ve never felt better. It’s true! Big tobacco and alcoholism are the path to a healthier life!”
“The eight most beautiful letters in the English language: L-O-B-O-T-O-M-Y.”
“You can buy 100 crickets for under five dollars at Petco, and public libraries do not check your pockets and/or backpack before entering! Do with that what you will!”
“Sink the Bismarck!”
“We must stop dumping our drums of nuclear waste in the playground … all these bald children are arousing suspicion!”
“Someone has to stand up to the homeless masses and crush them.”
“I don’t talk to girls, not when there’s shareholder value to be raised!”
“He be bald like Obama.” — a random Italian.
“Dude, I’ve been in the room for 20 minutes, and in your sleep, you have yelled, swore at someone and legitimately sang what I think was Bob Dylan.”
“Hark! The herald Guinness sings, ‘Glory to the newborn beer; peace on earth, Modelo mild, man and beer have reconciled!’”
“I figured out the hard way that it is illegal to take photos of the Sistine Chapel.”
“The flight attendant gave me two rum shooters with 15 minutes left to drink them and said ‘I have faith.’”
“The fact that creating the character of Cosmo Kramer will be one of Jerry Seinfeld’s greatest life achievements is so special to me.”
“OK, movie idea: There’s this guy named Private Ryan, and we need to save him.”
“Tell me a bedtime story about the black plague!”
“A collaboration between you and beer is one I fully support!”
“Fine, I’ll stop eating your lipstick.”
“Don’t make me run! I’m full of chocolate!”
“Fun fact: I had this pint at 7:55 a.m. yesterday.”
“The DMV will burn for its heresy!”
“New idea! They should cover all stairs in vegetable oil, so people slip and fall down. More to come …”
“Texting to let you know the senate and my friend Brutus have invited me over for a surprise party! I’m so excited — deciding to leave my sword and shield at home for this one!”
“When it comes to soy food, there’s a wealth of positive research …”
“Boutta cash out all my Blockbuster stock.”
“I heard German economist Klaus Schwab once beat Karl Marx in classical music breakdancing, a true founding father of the sport!”
“Attention! The gales of November have just turned gloomy! This is not a joke! Stay off Lake Superior!”
“I just took too much pre-workout, and now I want to scratch my face off.”
“Breaking news: Several sources have confirmed that Playboi Carti is, in fact, milly-rocking in New York City — millions dead! Current damage far exceeds prior estimates! Take shelter immediately!”
“Was your mom a Tylenol mom?”
“The only ‘corporate responsibility’ we have is to employ the mercenary pigs when we must.”
“I smoke, therefore I think, and I think, therefore I am.”
“I’m going to found a national student organization called Catholic guys against Catholic women.”
“I’m actually all for burning the city down.”
“Galileo was indeed a heretic who deserved excommunication.”
“I’m currently pounding a half gallon of milk in the library right now, because I vehemently hate the establishment.”
“As CEO of Doofenschmirtz Evil Inc., I like to wreak carnage on the tri-state area.”
“Cigarettes: like a pacifier to a baby.”
“I love how all these frosh collectively hit the gym at 6 a.m. for the first week of school until they meet Mr. Beer.”
“Your honor, permission to treat the bailiff as hostile?”
“A message from Yoda: ‘Gamble all of my money at the MGM, I must. Pay my outstanding tolls to the government of Massachusetts, I will not.’”
“When she sees that you’ll do anything she asks, she’s bound to respect you!”
“I love living paycheck to paycheck!”
“I could not acquire any alcohol tonight, as the cash registrant was able to discern that I was not able-bodied 27-year-old Evelyn Chang.”
“Shoplifting is a victimless crime, just like punching someone in the dark!”
“Beer at 9 a.m. — God, I love airports.”
“New worship hymnals also have ‘Canticle of the Turning’ as hymn 666. Who is running this school?”
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
