Having thrown my fair share of celebrated dorm parties and attended my fair share of mediocre ones, I think it’s finally time for an official, Observer-approved guide to the best way to throw. This six-step program is sure to keep your next dorm party from being shut down prematurely or ending in disaster.
1. Get your RA out of the way
Nothing ruins a good party like the jingling keys of the local resident assistant. A few too many RAs like to take their job descriptions a little too seriously, so keeping them as far away as possible is always a good idea. Last semester, a friend of mine pulled this off by getting his RA to drive a fellow resident to the hospital. Other decent options include welding their door shut or lighting another section’s bathroom on fire.
2. Clear the room
The average dorm has a couple of beds, wardrobes and desks, plus a rug, TV and a futon or two. All that junk has to go somewhere, and tossing it down the stairs is rarely an option. If you’re close by, the library basement has some great storage nooks, or you could always try the club lockers in the LaFun basement. Just make sure you don’t skip this step. Nothing kills the vibe like having to fight for space with the coffee table.
3. Acquire some “beverages”
I’m going to have to be a bit vague with this section, especially since the Office of Community Standards has been breathing down my neck since an unfortunate incident last year. Just be aware that if you’re looking for “refreshments,” certain respectable local establishments (Meijer) would be more than happy to provide them. Then it’s just a matter of hauling your new refreshments back to your dorm. Most students I’ve seen tend to use something subtle and inconspicuous, like a large suitcase or moving bag. Surely nobody can guess what’s inside.
4. Find some guests
It’s finally time to start sending out invites. If you have lots of friends, this part is easy. If you have relatively few friends, there are still plenty of ways to make sure your room gets uncomfortably full. You could always try submitting your party to the weekly TheWeek@ND email chain, though I wouldn’t count on it getting approved. As a last resort, advertising with an AI-generated poster on Fizz will at least draw a crowd, though I can’t in good conscience endorse this approach.
5. Enjoy your party!
You’ve done it! A successful dorm party is now taking place in your room. Now it’s time to stand back, rest on your laurels and watch the floor get steadily stickier as the night goes on. As host, your job includes keeping the music going, preventing guests from spilling into the halls and stopping light-fingered BP girls from stealing the décor off the walls (the B stands for burglary).
6. Get people out
Now that you’ve successfully thrown your dorm party, an equally monumental task awaits: getting people out. You might start wishing you kept your RA around a little longer. There are a few tried-and-true methods to evicting your room’s new residents, but if worst comes to worst, you might have to cut your losses and accept that you’ll be sleeping in the hallway.
