Okay, okay, I already hear your complaints: “The shutdown ended already and it’s never going to happen ever again. You’re just unoriginal and can’t think of anything else to write!” And while you may be right about one of those things, it is important to remember that a government shutdown is a constant looming threat to flight efficiency. Just like my stepdad Rick, I am an expert in the field of governments and flying, so I predict the next shutdown will be right before everyone’s flights home for Thanksgiving.
I can see you jumping up and down, hemming and hawing, in fear of this new revelation, but do not fret. I have effective alternatives to flying that will get you where you need to be just in time for the most Thursday-feeling holiday of all time. Listen to my genius and be angry that you didn’t come up with the ideas of yourself.
1. Take up the respectable practice of hitchhiking
No one hitchhikes anymore, and I cannot see the reason why. Sure, all those people went missing in the ‘80s, but maybe that is part of the fun.
I actually went hitchhiking recently; I needed to get from the South Bend Walmart to the other South Bend Walmart. Apparently, they didn’t want to sell spray paint to someone with a “criminal record,” and I needed spray paint. So I walked to the side of the road, stuck on my thumb and waited for a friend. This man in a red pickup truck stopped and asked me about my weight, which showed that he cared about my health. Very safe, so I immediately got into his car. I kept talking about my collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and he was probably listening very hard because he wasn’t talking at all. Eventually, after describing my rare Pot of Gold card for the 16th time, he pushed me out of the moving vehicle, and I was in Sandusky, Ohio. It was a lot of fun!
2. Learn how to fly
Fly a plane? No, you loser. Fly a helicopter? Wow, I see why your parents don’t call you anymore. Hot air balloon? Okay, that one is a little fun. You are now officially worthy of my respect. However, you are still wrong. You need to learn how to fly, like a bird.
You’re probably thinking: “That is quite literally impossible.” But no, my friend, you have never heard of the power of nature reserves. You have hundreds of birds at your disposal. Who cares if those animals are endangered? They are halfway out of the door anyways. The plan is to take the feathers of all the birds in the nature reserve (the people that work there will not notice — trust me, I have done it six times and have only been reported for three of them), and glue them onto yourself. Everyone knows the only reason that birds can fly is their copious amounts of feathers. Now, I haven’t perfected this yet, which is why I need you (yes you) to do this for me. I will get you a congressional medal of honor.
3. Drugs
None of these work? Well, if you don’t want to be where you currently are, DMT will always be there for you for a cheap vacation. Plus, you might see the past and future simultaneously, which is a good time. Results may vary. Your vacation can be 27 years and result in a possible illegitimate child — just ask my mom.
I have tried all of these, and I always end up somewhere different. Usually with different clothes. I will not be trying these this year unfortunately because my family told me never to show my face at home again. They cannot handle my successes, and smokin’ hot personality. So who needs them? Right? And who needs airplanes when you have me, a hero. Thank you, and I will be coming home for Christmas whether you like it or not, officer Johnson.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
