Recently, I was at a classic Notre Dame formal. Don’t ask me which one it was, all you people look the same to me. I was there alone, of course; my dark, popular loner aura is too much for most to handle. That was until I saw the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. So, naturally, I ran up to her on all fours, howling and asserting my wolf-like dominance. But instead of immediately falling into my arms, she ran away screaming. Even worse, her so-called “boyfriend” then roundhouse kicked me while others around him cheered. As a representative of Gen Z, I think this situation is all too common nowadays. Recent surveys show that around half of Gen Z identifies as single. I have tried lying to the survey people, but those dorks have better social skills than you’d think (and they’re mean too). However, I believe that I have the answers that these survey nerds are looking for when it comes to Gen Z and dating. Our generation is a scientific anomaly, which is what my therapist has nicknamed me, so I am at liberty to narrow down why Gen Z sucks so much.
Our focus on self-care.
Gen Z is known for “taking mental health days,” “keeping our peace” and “playing wormy time,” which has gotten in the way of our romantic needs. I personally would never give up any self-care for some dumb broad (it’s not Women’s History Month anymore, you can’t tell me what to do) because it is vital to my development as a growing boy. I may be 36 years old, but I am also just a kid, and I’m not ready. Plus, girls are gross and have cooties. I, on the other hand, only have hepatitis C, which is why I need to take care of myself by stealing from my dad’s house and pawning his jewelry, because that is what self-care is built upon. Trust.
We are ugly.
Gen Z is famously ugly. That’s why we are all obsessed with looksmaxxing, which is a healthy thing that I partake in and force those around me to as well. But no matter how hard I try, I am still a walking nightmare man. It’s really sad, but that doesn’t matter because I know I am not alone. All of Gen Z is ugly. Right? I know this because researchers and historians have coined the years 1997 to 2012 as “Damn, that baby ugly asl no cap ong 100 emoji.” Such a curse for Gen Z, especially since we are so ugly we can’t even date each other (stay away from Gen Alpha, you freaks).
Our hobbies get in the way of love.
Stop me if you heard this one before: You are trying to cultivate a homunculus as a pet and you tell some bimbo on Tinder about it (obviously thinking that she’ll think it’s awesome), and then she blocks you. Now, I understand that women are simple-minded creatures, but I cannot believe that she couldn’t find the allure in my experiments. This is a classic Gen Z experience. Our generation’s favorite hobbies with milk, eggs of various creeds and hair should be celebrated, not hated. Plus, old people love to bake, and everyone thinks that’s cool, but when I put a Bunsen burner on a bearded dragon egg, I am suddenly not allowed back at the zoo.
Gen Z as a whole is lonely, but we are lonely together. It’s like we are all in a loveless marriage! As a 36-year-old Gen Z-er, the pain is especially strong, but because I have found the root of the issues, I can be lonely and super smart. That is always a good combination that results in good things for all of humanity. And to the girl that rejected me at that formal, I just have one thing to say to you: Happy end of Women’s History Month!
