I am a pro graduate. “What does that mean?” I hear you squabble intelligibly. Well, well, well, you sweet simple soul, I have several graduations under my belt. I have graduated from elementary school, middle school, high school, Notre Dame’s International Safety 101, the policy academy, flight school, clown school, Alcoholics Anonymous, my first marriage and more. From those graduations, I have learned lessons that I thought were common sense, but as I look around to my peers I see the same thing: failure. I see people getting jobs, starting families, buying homes, brushing their teeth. And I just find myself wondering, “Where did it all go wrong?” I cannot see another person fall down that dangerous path, so, seniors, I am writing directly to you. In this article, I will steer you in the correct life path in order to protect you from being cringe for the rest of your short life. I am an expert, after all.
1. Pick up a new hobby
Now that you have all this newfound free time, it’s good to keep busy with a fun, new hobby. However, it should not just be any lame hobby, like pottery, crocheting or even worse, pickleball. You need to pick up a hobby that helps you get your money up. I have undertaken the legal hobby of dropshipping. If you don’t know what dropshipping is, it’s like stealing. Now that we have explained that, there are many hobbies like dropshipping that you seniors can partake in that will provide similar results. Hobbies, such as multi-level marketing schemes, black hat hacking, armed robbery and tap dancing can yield positive results that not only give you some fun, but bring in money to fund your new life.
2. Cut off everyone that you know
After my high school graduation, I knew that I had to cut off all the dead weight in my life. My “friends,” my “family,” my so-called “sponsor,” all needed to be out of my life ASAP. Firstly, they all knew me when I was fat, and future employers cannot know that I was fat or they will call me fat boy. Secondly, they were a reminder of the past and you need to focus on the future. You don’t need a “mom” nagging about your gambling “problem” because that is an investment into your future. Or a “girlfriend” complaining about your “consistent cheating” because that is you getting to know your future peers. Or even a police officer who is threatening to arrest you because you were “going 135 mph in a school zone” because that is you just trying to get to where you need to be faster. And you know what that place is? Exactly. Your future.
3. Go to graduate school
Leaving college is sad, so what if you never leave? I’m going to be honest with you, I don't know what life with employment looks like, and quite frankly, I am horrified of it. So I just keep going to school! I can never be employed if I am still a student. It’s just great to see all my past friends grow and change without me because I am in 31st grade. I’m just like that Taylor Swift song, “I get older but your lovers stay my age,” but instead of lovers (because I am celibate), it’s peers! I am just like Taylor because I am 36 years old and constantly surrounded by teenagers (quote me on that).
4. Become a Scientologist
#YOLO LOL. Sure, those people might be insane, but at least you’re guaranteed friends.
Thanks for reading, seniors! Apply these tips and prosper. Ignore them and fail. Whatever endeavor you end up doing, just remember, Scientology is always there for you. For the small price of $200, you can unlock the secrets of the universe. Just remember to use my referral code so I can move up a rank. Happy Ron Hubbard’s birthday to all who celebrate (which should be all of you)! And happy commencement week too, I guess.
