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Tuesday, March 5, 2024
The Observer

I'm ranking everything

Here in my column, I’m a big categorization guy, whether that be U.S. presidents and their basketball abilities or the dorms themselves and their mascots. Instead of writing an article for everything I want to discuss, I’m just going to rank everything I want to. Let’s do it!

Food Network shows

  1. “Chopped”
  2. “Diners, Drive Ins and Dives”
  3. “Pioneer Woman”
  4. “Iron Chef”
  5. “Beat Bobby Flay”
First of all, I hate Bobby Flay and his arrogant attitude, but you would be remiss to think I don’t respect him and his ability — so he makes the top five. Anyone who loves drama loves the ice cream maker on “Chopped,” and the ingredients such as “moose juice” make for good TV. The rest should makes sense, especially since Guy Fieri is included.

  1. Watermelon
  2. Raspberry
  3. Apple (preferably Honeycrisp)
  4. Pineapple
  5. Cantaloupe
People are really overlooking cantaloupe. The dining hall cantaloupe is trash, I can admit. But if you are eating fire cantaloupe, there are hardly any melons that can match. Watermelon straight up tastes like red and summer, and I love it. I think raspberry, apple and pineapple are fairly accepted at their positions, except by my Honduran roommate who says plantains should be in the top five. What do you even know, Alfredo?

Parts of the Holy Trinity
  1. The Son
  2. The Holy Spirit
  3. The Father
Yup, this is good ol’ fashioned heresy. The Son really was totally metal when he came to Earth dying but then resurrected in a huge plot twist. People straight up sleep on the Holy Spirit though. Spirit got mad flow letting Apostles spit some fire in every language. The Father kind of was a spiteful dude in the Old Testament, just a bit. I guess he had a change of heart in the New Testament, like he had a kid or something to make him chill out, but I just can’t put Him higher than the other two.

Lethality of colonial powers
  1. Belgium
  2. France
  3. Spain
  4. England
  5. Portugal
Per capita, Belgium was definitely the most messed up colonial power based on what they did in the Congo. Many people think England would take the top spot, but what France did in West Africa and how they managed Syria really screwed up the world in a big way to give them that No. 2 slot. Three through five are close, but I think they fit in nicely in their order with Spain’s conquests in Latin America putting it ahead of England and Portugal.

My personal flaws
  1. Arrogance
  2. I sprain my ankles a lot
  3. I need to listen more and talk less
  4. Admitting I’m wrong
  5. I can’t grow the beard I’d like
Arrogance for sure takes the first spot here given that I felt I had the authority to rank dorms to start out and have continued on to rank parts of the divine Trinity. Who am I to do so? Obviously a really great person. The ankle spraining has derailed some soccer games, and the inability to admit I’m wrong has derailed some helpful arguments. I do talk a lot for that third spot, but it’s usually funny so I guess it’s a wash (there’s that arrogance again). Lastly, all I want is a good beard, and that has been too much to ask, I guess.

Thank you for reading this far. It tells me my opinion might be worth something to some of you. In life, that’s all I can really ask for. If you have anything you would like me to rank, just shoot me an email.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.