I have been unemployed for all my life. To be completely honest, I don’t view this as an issue, but rather a testament to my consistency. However, my so-called “dad” says that I need to get a job if I want to continue eating my family’s food and using their electricity for my “experiments.” So I went on Indeed, LinkedIn and Feet Finder to find a way to earn a decent, respectable living, but was instead greeted with rejections and ghosting from every entry-level position I applied to — reasons such as “not having enough experience,” “AI having more efficiency,” or “being banned from all Denny’s establishments” were frequently cited by my would-be employers. I was crushed, but luckily, I am not alone, which is great because I get scared when I am alone. Currently, college graduates across the country are having trouble finding jobs even if their degrees are a perfect fit for the position. But do not fret, my fellow unemployable compatriots! I have compiled another healthy and normal list for you to follow in the hunt for some coinage.
1. Work a job that not even AI wants to have.
From software engineers to graphic designers, AI is replacing a workforce originally composed of humans. You know what that sounds like to me? Everyone is weak and not trying hard enough. What we NEED to do is get jobs so undesirable that not even a robot with zero emotions would do it. Imagine this: A Mizzou grad selling cigarettes to middle schoolers, an IU Bloom grad being a member of the cleanup crew after a Diddy party and a Harvard grad working an actual job. The possibilities are endless, but one thing is for sure: No matter how advanced AI gets, it can never be as sleazy as humanity. This is a gift that should be embraced — just ask my father-in-law.
2. Decide that money deserves the silent treatment.
Something I learned from a very young age is that if you give someone the silent treatment, they always come crawling back, bombarding you with conversation starters like “Why aren’t you speaking?,” “What do you want from me?,” and “What did I do wrong?” Now, if we all collectively decide to do this with money, then it will just come back to us. No matter how terrible and unemployed we are, money needs our companionship. This is what Reagan imagined when he first had the divine revelation of trickle-down economics: If we just ignore the economy, the poor will eventually get money! Right? By putting this plan into action, money will be confused and wonder what it did wrong. And if we still find it pretty and take it back, we, as a society, can make it do whatever we want and ensure it can never leave us. No one will ever leave me again!
3. Blackmail your possible employers.
I can hear you cry right now, “Oh, but that’s illegal!” And to that I say, legality is for suckers and babies, and I am not a baby. I am a big, strong, special soldier who’s a victim trapped in a corrupt society that doesn’t want me to have a job because I am a “danger to myself and others.” Another important point: Blackmail is cool. Now with all the moral issues out of the way, one can easily find anything they want about anybody through the devil’s creation, i.e., Facebook, which will be the basis for your blackmail. Not many pictures on your future boss’s feed of him and his wife? Send a hooker to his house! Boss seems like she has lost weight? Plant crack on her — she had to lose the weight somehow! Seems like your boss isn’t following his brother back on Facebook? Become his brother and learn all his deepest secrets over two Busch Lights and a bonfire. With all this information, they will have to hire you!
My dad will be very happy when I get a job after using all these tactics. He might even let me back inside the house! If you are a future employer reading this after doing a quick Google search of me, I just want to let you know that I meant every single word that I wrote. Thank you for reading and please dream a little dream of me. I know I will be of you.
