Love was undeniably in the air this weekend. But with Valentine’s Day in the rearview and the sun starting to emerge, after seeing your former-valentine in the light, you’ve realized they’re actually chopped. A breakup is in order. Nevertheless, you should let them down easy. But what makes or breaks a break-up conversation isn’t being open and honest, showing respect or choosing the right clichés. It’s the location you break the news. Choosing the wrong spot could leave your soon-to-be ex emotionally scarred and unable to love again. So, assuming the role of reverse cupid, I present the best breakup spots on campus.
Purcell Pavilion
We must not only protect Purcell, but our hearts as well. Early last December, you thought this relationship could go all the way. But now it’s mid-February, you’re unranked, struggling to find that chemistry and anticipating an early exit from the tournament of love. It’s time to cut your losses and focus your energy on recruiting a high school senior who will be eligible next season.
Stanford-Keenan middle room
The Stanford-Keenan middle room is the ideal liminal space that can help your ex navigate the transition from what was to what will be. The couches are functional but encourage efficient conversation, as sitting on them too long is known to cause rashes.
Muerello Career Development Center reservable rooms
When it comes to conversations about where you see yourself in five years, there’s no place like the CCD. They have plenty of rooms available to book and have that one-on-one. Like always, come prepared to discuss their strengths and (mostly) weaknesses, why they are (not) a good fit and be sure to leave time at the end for.
To maintain journalistic integrity, I must disclose that I am a two-time winner of the CCD weekly drawing. The $20 in Domer Dollar award had no impact on the views expressed in this article.
Jenkins Nanovic mediation room
A great option for a civil conversation. Before arriving at this plenary, hold a breakup committee meeting with your friends to prepare a list of talking points. At the official proceeding, stick to the agenda, only allow one person to speak at a time and uphold respectful decorum. The risk here is that your ex attempts to block the breakup via filibuster, so bring some caffeine just in case. Best-case scenario, the two of you can maintain diplomatic relations. Worst-case scenario, nuclear war.
The NDH salad bar
Life is like a salad bar. There are lots of options. And while the tomatoes initially looked appetizing, recently the carrots seem pretty nutritious. Don’t be afraid to spell it out. They are tomatoes. That Baumer guy from The Backer is carrots. Then walk away before they’ve even finished assembling their salad. As T. Swift once sang, “I’m in a getaway car, I left you at the salad bar, put the lettuce in the bowl and I stole the cheese, that was the last time you ever saw me.”
NDH food waste bins
Yes, another NDH location. What can I say? The DH is good for more than nourishing our bodies. The food waste bins provide ammo for your ex to throw in your face without creating any additional food waste, in line with the University’s sustainability goals. I would avoid doing this on the days they serve the curry bar. The DH workers also have the purest hearts, perfect to console your heartbroken ex. Additionally, I’ve noticed that NDH plays an disproportionately high amount of Panic! At the Disco compared to the reasonable person’s listening habits.
St. Olaf’s Ice Chapel
Love, like the ice chapel, is fleeting. Wherever you break up with this person, that place will be permanently tainted, so it’s best to do it somewhere that won’t be around much longer. Cutting ties in an ice chapel is cold-hearted, but some people just aren’t worth melting for.
On air at WVFI
“We’re coming to you live from Duncan student center, where I am about to break up with my significant other.” Now that’s content, far surpassing any of the frivolous articles I’ve ever written. The proliferation of social media means that anything in our lives can and should be exploited for content. WVFI is the best medium at ND to do so. Threatening a breakup in The Observer is a little too reminiscent of the Zodiac Killer. Performing a breakup song at Acoustic Cafe could also get lots of views.
A DeBartelo Performing Arts Center stage
“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances;” ... and now it is time for your chopped ex to take their problems and exit stage left. Deliver your Oscar-worthy breakup monologue and conclude with a bow out of that relationship. Don’t shy away from submitting this performance as an event to TheWeek@ND.
Allison Abplanalp is a senior finance and accounting major. If she could change one thing about the English language, she would make "a lot" one word. Her least favorite month is March because every year she is devastated when she fails to pick the perfect March Madness bracket. You can contact Allison at aabplana@nd.edu.
