Every day I scroll on Instagram for 13 hours, and during this conquest of my feed, I often see reels of people using “dumb phones” instead of iPhones or record players instead of Spotify. It saddens me deeply for two reasons:
- These idiots are using a Motorola that they can’t even play “Pixel Gun 3D” on.
- They’re simply not going far enough. What happened to go big or go home?
These people aren’t doing either! But like a sumo wrestler on the bus, I am doing both. My technology detox is not this “ehhh I am not scrolling on TikTok anymore, but I am still playing the ‘Monster Mash’ on ‘Just Dance 2’ for nine hours a day!” that all the hip influencers are doing. My technology detox is away from all technology. Just like the noble Sisyphus, I am doing the right thing at all times, which will only result in my success (that is the point of that story). Now, the person who is reading this and not technology detoxing because you’re reading this (wow, I cannot believe you), I will show how you can become better than everyone else in your life.
Get into the mindset of a technology detox
“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it even make a sound?” These truthful words were uttered by a great man Theo Von. You can’t just start detoxing — nay nay — before you start; you must let everyone know at all times that you are currently stepping away from technology. I found that the best way to do this is to immediately comment whenever your friend uses their phone and bring up how you don’t go on your phone ever at all (you don’t even know what a phone is!), bonus points if you call them weak and a beta while doing it. Even if it’s not true (yet), they will believe you because their brain is rotted from calling their mom or whatever cringe things people do on their phone, and you have already changed the hearts and minds of those around you!
Find new ways to entertain yourself
Now that you have officially started your detox, you soon find that life is very boring and everything sucks. Before, you had 4chan.org to inform your political opinions, and now you have to “read a book?” I understand why children run away from home now. But don’t worry! I have found ways of entertaining myself from the good old days. For example, hoop and stick, marbles, paying my mortgage, stick horse, hopscotch, drinking, yelling at my wife, yelling at my kids and my personal favorite, stick horse! I am not supporting the techno overlords, while, at the same time, having innocent fun all day, every day.
Use fire
Not only did I step away from technology, like phones and video game systems, but I have also stepped away from other abusive technology, such as the shameful shower and the harmful oven. But I haven’t been able to cook my Christmas dinner in months, so I have turned to using God-given fire! Now my mashed potatoes, ham and other stuff (can’t really tell anymore, lol) have been cooked to perfection and have only sent four people to the hospital! Actually, my food sent one person to the hospital — my fire sent the other three, which is what I call a self-care detox.
Become Amish
I am now standing outside a local Amish market to learn about their ways. Hopefully, it goes well!
P.S. I am now writing to let you all know that I have joined the Amish community. I am now referred to as Jebediah, and I have been lovingly accepted into the community. They take me to their church at least three times a day and have affectionately given me the nickname, “der Deifel,” which means the Delightful, I think. I am officially better than everyone else in my life now. Not only do I not need a phone, but I also don’t need to wear shorts when it’s 80 degrees. Happy Rumspringa to all who celebrate — I have never stopped celebrating.
